Tragedy and Grace: If His Grace is an Ocean, We're all Sinking...

Do you ever walk around somewhere, like a grocery store, or a mall, or somewhere public, and wonder how people can feel joy when you feel like the world is falling apart? I do.

My heart broke this week as not one, but TWO military casualties happened in this country. War is one thing, but when training squadrons have accidents in our homeland, that is devastating in a different way... I remember each time Carlos left for the middle east/Asia in our last duty station I would kind of hold my breath for the months he was gone... A deep sadness would come over me on the day he left, not knowing if I'd ever see the love of my life again... And every time he came back, I could relax again, thanking God for his return.

Being stationed down here at a training squadron, I never even contemplated his life being in danger. But he flies a plane. Planes are amazing. But dangerous. And things can go wrong in planes. I forgot that. Until this week... Many of our friends know the two pilots who were killed here, and some even know members of the Coast Guard/Marines crash in California... Though I didn't know them personally, my heart grieves, knowing that there is a wife here, going to bed each night, and touching her pregnant belly, knowing that her husband will never again sleep beside her, and her baby will never meet it's daddy, nor will her toddler get to jump up into daddy's arms again... Elsewhere, there is a highschool sweetheart who was just engaged to the other Lieutenant who died. She won't get to wear white, walk down the aisle, and look into her love's eyes, imagining forever. All of her hopes and dreams and plans were dashed in an instant. Not to mention countless friends and family members who are aching...

So my heart is sad. Claire and I were supposed to go to Seattle for 10 days, but after this happened, we decided to stay here with Los. It was good to be together as a family, and we drove up to Houston for a night. We had the hard talk about what would happen in the future and for Claire (and future kids) if either of us, or both of us died. That was tear-inducing, to say the least. We made a list of friends whom we admire around the country and who could raise our baby in a way that we are in-line with. If you made the cut, you'll be getting a call:)

On our drive, I spent some time listening to the lyrics of the Crowder Band's new cd. Why do they always coincide album releases with huge things that happen in our lives? Anyway, sitting under the lyrics of How He Loves, I was/am really wrestling with the line, "if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..." Sinking is too visceral an image, given that these pilots just sunk into the Gulf and Pacific. I don't want to sink. I don't want to drown. I want to wear arm floaties:) I want to remain safe. At all costs. Which can translate at times into not putting my trust in God. You have to surrender a lot to sink. And you may have to suffer. Will have to suffer. I know God suffered, and is with us in our suffering, I felt that acutely on Thursday as we had a gathering at Oso Creek for the lost pilots. Many tears were shed and God's presence was palpable amidst the pain...

So it's a sad week in our community... Hugging my hubby and babe just a little bit tighter and thankful for each day of life with them.