Before giving birth I didn't realize...

(this one is for all the moms out there)
One month ago I didn't realize:
The value of having grandparents close by, and what a loss it is not to have them close daily...

How close this experience would make me to my own mom...

That multiple days could pass (at first) without me leaving our house...

That 20 pounds could disappear in one week! Amen...

That I could survive without a full night's sleep, getting conditioned to shorter stretches...

That I would "hear" my baby's cry, even when she was sound asleep...

That I would be able to walk a 5K less than a month after giving birth...

That taking a 4 hour road trip by myself with an infant could be possible...

That my bad (fast) driving wouldn't change with my new precious cargo, bummer...

That going to the bathroom (TMI) could be scary at first and such a challenge with stitches:)

That bras were made in a size H! Uggh.

That something as natural as breastfeeding would be so hard for me, and that something as stupid as low milk production could make me feel like a failure in life.

But that supplementing would be the course we have to take.

And seeing a 10 pound, one month old, asleep in her crib would be the most beautiful sight ever.

Lots of stuff I didn't realize til this past month... I could go on (like how fast/high weeds grow in a month in my yard in the summer) I am glad to know that life goes on post-baby. We've taken Claire to restaurants, churches, grocery and clothes shopping, a baseball game, the beach, all over Austin, etc. Not bad for less than 5 weeks of life.

There's an Alien in my Tummy (and other ramblings)

Lo siento friends, for the blogging lapse; after our WA trip, I was WIPED OUT. It's taken me a while to get back on the horse... A lot of noteworthy things have transpired and we've taken some photos to share, so hopefully I'll get to that soon! Maybe even today... But in the meantime, I thought you may want to know that little Claire Evans is officially huge. Now people I don't know make comments to me about being preggo. Finally! I only have 56 days to go. (I tell her feel free to come early, though...) She is unfortunately a night owl like her mom, and is up and at 'em from 11pm-1am and again 4am-6am, which makes sleeping for me somewhat problematic. At between 3-4 lbs. we can now see her moving all over the place under my skin (which kind of makes me want to puke, but it's cool). We've started keeping a journal to give to her (either when she gets married, or preggo, or graduates from something, we don't know); and that has been fun to write in. We tell her our hopes, prayers, fears, all kinds of stuff; and are having other family and important people write in it as well. Hopefully it won't get lost, and will be meaningful to her when we give it to her...
Other than that... let's see, my legs are starting to hurt a bit more these days. I have to stretch and walk daily, or else they feel weird. Luckily I still feel okay to walk a couple miles a day, though it's getting hotter outside (80s every day), so that's a new factor, as Burly and I pant our way through the golf course:) And the worst thing is I've started to get STRETCH MARKS on my tummy. Not very excited about that!
On other fronts, her nursery still has yet to come together, but she is starting to have a little wardrobe, since people have been very generous toward her. Our goal this month is to get the furniture and bedding and glider all situated. So many decisions to make, I get really overwhelmed. My current quandary is an issue we're revisiting, the car seat and stroller issue. In Seattle, because of the REI 20% off sale, we bought a BOB jogging stroller and are stoked about that. But in regards to a light "mall" stroller, we'll have to figure that out; current candidates are the Bugaboo, the Maclaren, the Peg Perego... who knows. And unless we get an SUV, no car seat sounds super ideal. And last I checked, we weren't getting an SUV. So we'll figure this all out, I'm sure, but these are the things that weigh on my mind, oh yeah, besides the fact that we have no idea what we're getting ourselves into with this whole parenting gig.:) We're reading a lot of books right now, on labor/delivery and infants: eating, sleeping, crying, activity, vaccines, etc. all the good stuff. I know a lot of parenthood will be trial and error (humbling to think!), but at least this feels educational, stuff we've never thought about before!
We'll report back soon:)

A Time to be Born and a Time to Die

January 10th is a day we won't soon forget. Our dear friends Cara and Joel welcomed their baby Ingrid into the world this morning. We could not be more thrilled. We rejoice in her life and pray for all the power and beauty that it will entail as she grows up with her amazing parents. We can't wait for the Flory and Evans next generation to learn God's heart for adventure together.

And simultaneously, Carin and Jeff say goodbye to their baby Ben at his funeral this afternoon. We could not be more devastated for the grief they feel, we hoped this day wouldn't come. Ben's 3 year old body is free of cancer, he is at peace; but those who he left behind will be reeling for years, with questions and pangs of longing and fleeting moments of joy when they think on his life.

We are mourning and grieving with those who mourn, and laughing and rejoicing with those who feel joy this day.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
-Eccl.3:1-4

Christmas Reflection on Mary

Funny how being pregnant makes me think about Jesus' mom at this Christmas-time than I ever have before... As a virgin, betrothed to Joseph, she must have been feeling like life was going pretty well, maybe just how she wanted it. Sure they might not have had much financial stability (as today's sage counselors advise us before getting married), but undoubtedly they had dreams and a plan for a future together.

Until an angel comes and 'ruins' everything. Besides scaring the crap out of her (presumably, as angels tended to do in Scripture), he also let her know that God had an agenda for her life that she didn't quite bargain for. It was going to include miracles and being a part of history unlike anyone else. A total honor, yet one that would also come with a lifetime of hardship. The immediate shame of being pregnant, when society may or may not believe that Joseph was the father, and all the rumors that would swirl around with that. Some people probably thinking she was crazy for trusting God was at the helm of her son's life, during the persecution and crucifixion he would later face. In all of this, she had to give up control, something hard for us to do. A pastor in Seattle calls raising children a 2-decade exercise in giving up control. True, but we at least hope they'll be safe. Mary couldn't even hope for that.

When she told the angel, "may it be as you've said," I have newfound respect for her, as she accepted all of the future joys and pains that awaited her for the rest of her lifetime.

But the part that really gets me is when it's time for her to go into labor. If I were birthing the savior of the world (which I'm not, but IF I was) I would AT LEAST expect to be put up in a 5-star hotel with room service for the few days surrounding the labor and delivery. I mean, it's the least God could do, right? I'm signing up for a lifetime of who knows what- can I at least be comfortable while giving birth?! Doesn't seem like to much to ask. They've traveled to Bethlehem, where Joseph's roots are. You would think that if the guy had family in the area, when there was no room "in the inn," some relative would've at least said, "come sleep on our pull-out couch" or something... Nothing. And what kind of town sees a massively pregnant woman, and doesn't offer to help her out?! What kind of people are these?

Mary must have felt really alone. And we are not meant to be alone. We are not designed to be alone. So the funny part of the story to me, is when these crazy-haired shepherds enter the picture. Totally random guys, who've been living with animals more than people, show up on the scene, not even sure what they're looking for; but trusting God will guide them. And they come to Mary, Joseph and Jesus. I'm gonna go on a wild hunch that they're not the community that Mary was hoping for to surround her after giving birth. When it is my turn, I want family and friends around me, not some weird dudes who've been herding cattle in West Texas. I'm just saying. Yet this is the community that God offers them. She could either feel alone, and sorry for herself, or embrace, yet again, the plan God has for her life, and the people God brings into her life.

I have been feeling alone some of the time I've been in TX. Especially today, on Christmas, even as a 29 year old, it is weird to be away from family for the first time. Things look different than I thought it should, or am used to. It would be easy to feel alone in this. But the truth is, we are not alone. We have good friends in Kiesha, Dave and the Richerson's nearby. We have a new church that has embraced us, and people from there who asked us to come over on Christmas. Life may look really different than what we have known, but like Mary, we are doing our best to receive what God has given us in this blessed season. I pray the same for all of you. God puts people in each of our lives; maybe not the people we expect or would choose ourselves, but we don't have to be alone. The human heart was meant to be in community, so embrace those around you, or reach out to someone who may feel alone today.

Election Result

Even without a tv, I kept up with internet coverage as well as possible. Right now I feel:
1. Curious/nervous/hopeful about what the Obama time in office will be like.
2. Wishing that my Republican friends could all have the class that McCain did in his concession. Right now I feel like another Civil War could break out among people I know, alone! It is sad that we are more often the Divided States than the United States.
3. Grateful that my hope is in Christ, not a politician.

However, for some perspective, I borrowed this from Jeremy Cowart; this isPretty cool.

Awkward Change

I never finished posts about our trip across the country.  My goal is to do that today, but so far I have been in a funk, no kidding, since we crossed the Texas border line.  Reality set in that we weren't just on an epic 3,000 mile roadtrip.  No, no, we were moving to this new foreign land that quite frankly has nothing on the west coast in terms of beauty.  I grew up right by the Sierras and Yosemite, then in college moved to a place that is gorgeous with water and mountains (albeit rainy) daily.  Moving to a land of hot, dusty brown flat terrain is less than ideal.  My heart sunk as this reality set in, and I felt deep within me the need to cry it out.  Like full on sob, grieving what I lose (not only natural beauty, but deep friendships and closeness to at least one set of family) in moving here.  I have tried on multiple occasions the past week to cry, but tears won't come, so thus far I just feel stuck in sadness, loneliness and depression.

Needless to say, it's been a brutal transition, and that's not easy for me to admit or write about.  I want to be the positive adventure gal that is fired up about everything.  Instead I feel like the Psalmist lamenting in misery to God.  I have been sleeping a lot, and emotionally down when I'm awake.  I'm trying to make choices to exercise (walking the beach, etc. which is pretty cool) and eat well, and to reframe life.  I don't want to stay stuck in my self-induced pity party.  But at least for my first week here, that's where I've been.

Life is just going to look very different here.  Slow.  Which feels unfamiliar after the past 3 years of graduate school and traveling like crazy, and having tons of people to spend quality time with.  I have felt purposeless here, which is an awful feeling.  And untrue- we aren't purposeful because of what we can check off of our to-do lists.  We are purposeful because God delights in us and chooses to make himself known through us.

I think this second week will look better than the first.  There are still so many question marks...  the economy going down took away my potential job as a hospital chaplain, so now I've been interviewing at churches here.  There are some interesting options, but nowhere that's the obvious fit.  We get our new house and all our stuff back this Sunday/next Monday, which will be a treat, to have our own space, after living in other people's space out of suitcases for the past month.  I will meet with an infertility doc to talk about our options to become parents, and slowly some of our question marks will be erased.  

In all of this, I am grateful for Los, who's been such a servant to me, and an encourager when I've felt constantly down.  I love him so much for knowing exactly how to be my best friend and strong when I feel massively weak.  I know that God will do a new thing in our lives individually and as a couple in this new season, so here's to having no idea what the future looks like!  Please pray for me:)

Don't pack the dental floss!

Well, after 6 hours today, all our stuff is packed! I thought I was a complete minimalist, but it turns out we had more than we thought in this 1700 square feet of ours... We have less than most people, but will still purge some more when we see our belongings in a month... Who knew I could collect like 50 soaps (we don't even use bar soap!) from hotels everywhere in the world. I'll find a shelter in Texas, or somewhere that people need to take baths. Lots and lots of baths. It's amazing how sneaky little bath products can be as we tuck them under the counter, out of sight. They multiply faster than rabbits!

I realized what we prize, as things were put away. For example, I LOVE dental floss, and had a minor crisis when I realized it might be taken away from me. "STOP!" I cried, to the mullet-adorned packer, who promptly froze in his tracks. Phew, crisis averted... But for the most part, I'm pretty okay with living out of a suitcase/Prius for a month.

So what are the things you can't live without? I'm expecting some creative answers...

Git Er Done… (our last week in WA!)

Well, it is finally down to the wire! T minus 6 days until the epic drive across our fair country begins. We have been conquering the longest TO-DO list in the history of my life (save for the pre-wedding TO-DO list, but that was full of inconsequential things like: borrow flower vase for gladiolas).

Can I just say AMEN for awesome customer service at Patagonia, REI, Super Jock n’ Jill, Williams-Sonoma and Nordstrom. We have made about $700 returning things we didn’t want/like/use without a hitch! Love that. We even MADE money returning 12 mugs we never use to Williams-Sonoma, and this is WITHOUT a receipt. They’ve gone up in price since our wedding 3 years ago, to $21/mug, pricy! So that’s awesome that we were able to continue paring down. We also sold the kitchen table and 6 chairs we got for free for $175, which is fun. On top of that, I brought back Saucony running shoes that are hurting my left arch (but have been used for a year!) and they exchanged them out for brand new shoes at no cost. YES!

So we are feeling good about what we have remaining. I’ve blogged before about Rob Bell’s challenge to his church during the God is Green sermon series. He said, “If you were to move tomorrow, what would you sell, donate, give away, recycle, throw away. Well why not do that today?” That mantra has been something we’ve tried to live by the past year and a half, simplify, simplify!!!

And so our day has actually come, we ARE moving tomorrow, and we no longer have piles of stuff we don’t want or need. Movers come tomorrow morning at 8:15, giddy up! We’ll be living out of suitcases for the next month, as we galavant around the country, taking our time to enjoy different people and places en route to our new home.

Though our TO-DO list is long enough to make any sane person dizzy, we have also been taking time to enjoy our last week in WA. We’ve been getting quality time with everyone we love, and are looking forward to having dinner at Canlis (Seattle’s best restaurant) with Erik and Monica on Friday night, after seeing Erika and Jodi for a last time. I also get to see JJ and Lisa, since I’m going up to the Couv on Sunday night, which will be fun.

We used our last free movie tickets (thank you Boeing!) and saw EagleEye, which was a fun action flick with Shia LeBeouf (I love saying his name) and Michelle Monaghan (I may have a girl crush on her). Yesterday we took our last ferry ride, on a beautiful morning. Then we had lunch in downtown Seattle with Erik at Palomino and shopped for grooming necessities at Aveda/Nordstrom, and visited the newest H+M. We went to Green Lake one last time, for our and Burly’s sakes. He goes crazy at that place, with all the other dogs/stimulation. Last night we had dinner at the fabulous local/organic Tilth restaurant, that I think every Seattleite should try, it is so amazing.

On Kiesha’s recommendation to “EAT AS MUCH FISH AS POSSIBLE BEFORE LEAVING THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST!!!!” I had a pistachio-encrusted Cod for lunch that was fantastic. Then at dinner with Jonathan and Lynnea (love them, will miss them, we’re trying to talk them into coming to S. Africa with us for World Cup 2010), we had all kinds of awesomeness. The world’s best Halibut, pork belly, chicken, faro, quinoa, a cheese plate straight from heaven, and heirloom melon with mint, feta and anise hyssop, unbelievable. So creative, who thinks of that kind of stuff! Three hours and two bottles of Northwest wine later, we were quite happy campers.

I’ll miss that place, and everywhere that we have fabulous memories in Seattle, which will remain in my heart as one of the most awesome cities in our country, even if we never live close by it again. So if you’re wondering where I am this next week, it’s either checking off our gargantuan TO-DO list or being sentimental about this place I love so much and am sad to leave.

Melancholy for what we leave behind...

In less than a week, our household belongings will be packed up and shipped out; we'll see them a month later. We'll be borrowing dishes/towels, etc. from a neighbor for our last 5 days and sleeping on the trusty Aerobed. It will be like camping. Except in our own house... Even with all the excitement of our imminent road trip and new home, we are feeling sad these days for what we'll leave behind. Other than the weather (which has been rough), living in WA the past 3 years has been such a gift.

We love our house, and the view of nearby mountains. To design the garden has been so life-giving for me. I am giving away pumpkins now, the last of our summer fruits. And we couldn't wish for better neighbors, they are so wonderful; we'll really miss the community here. I'm told that the street we're moving to in TX has monthly parties and great relationships too, so we're looking forward to that.

Last night we took a sentimental trip down memory lane, visiting multiple favorite places for the last time. The golden farmland of the Skagit Valley contrasted with the mountains that jut up from the sea, and the neighboring San Juan Islands makes for a breathtaking scene, especially in autumn, as the leaves begin to change to all shades of brilliance. I am a sucker for old barns (there's just something about them that I love) and as we drove down the beautiful Chuckanut Drive (a must-do if you're in these parts, car commercials are filmed on it b/c it's a cliff at the edge of the land, with shimmering sea beneath) one last time, we marveled at how gorgeous our home here is. We have islands and water (kayaking, fishing, whales) just to the west, and the North Cascade Mountain Range for awesome skiing/hiking just to the east of our fertile valley.



We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant in the Valley, Seeds. It's named after the seed company that was in the same building for over a century. Apparently we produce the country's largest amount of seeds for vegetables and flowers. I've taken a lot of people there over the years, it is so special. It has local, sustainable (organic produce, grass-fed beef, etc.) fare and shows off all there is to love about this county's bounty. We had local beer, wine, oysters and the amazing bacon, avocado burgers for one last time. The town it's in, La Conner, is impossibly charming! Right on the river and full of cute boutique shops. What a great place.


After sleeping in today, we're now going hiking here (Sauk Mountain) for the last time in the Cascades. Such goodness all around us, we will miss this place.



I pulled all these photos off Google, but isn't this place beautiful?!

Our Third (First) Anniversary!

Three years ago yesterday, Los said, "I do, do you?" And I said, "I DO!" But the next two September 10ths, the Navy took him half-way around the world to the Middle East... I coped, going to Cali and eating sushi/getting a massage/being with fam and friends... but they were anti-climactic days at best.


Not so yesterday! We enjoyed the beautiful weather (beginning of fall, leaves are changing color, woo hoo!) by driving up to Bellingham (the most gorgeous part of I-5) to spend the evening. Los surprised me by taking me to the fabulous Chrysalis Hotel and Spa for a few hours. It turns out a slice of heaven can be purchased for a couple hundred dollars! We basked in the sun on the deck, watching people drink wine or kayak in the bay as the sun sank toward the San Juan Islands.



Then we entered the spa, for the most recent highlight of my life. We were ushered into our respective locker rooms; and any residual worry that wasn't eradicated on the deck dripped out of my pores and down the drain in the heavenly steam room. Then we wrapped ourselves in luxurious robes and went to the relaxation room. We chose from six awesome types of tea, sipped and sank into the chairs that had a view of flora and a waterfall. Then eventually we were escorted to our room and given the most amazing massages. Los had never had one before, and after his triathlon (plus swimming a mile and running an hour on top of that), his body really soaked up every last heavenly touch. I usually critique my therapist mentally the whole time and can't fully relax (since I want to be a LMP in another lifetime); but boy did I ever relax last night. My therapist did some things no one has ever done before, and I now have a long list of other types of massage I want to try: Thai, Stone, Shiatsu, et al. No more Swedish for a while! It was like a dream that kept getting sweeter and sweeter. After more tea and more steam, I rinsed with their great local and organic products (I am a sucker for high-end #1-groceries and #2- bath products) and then floated out of there as if on a cloud.

We couldn't have enjoyed our time there more, and we HIGHLY recommend it to anyone in WA. They had a good wine bar and restaurant on the water as well, but since we are moving away so soon, we wanted to visit our favorite pizza place La Fiamma one last time.


For any vegetarian pizza- eaters, I have never found a pizza as amazing as their Major Grigio. They use Major Grey mango chutney as the spread, then pile on curried veggies and cheese, and top it with Thai spicy sauce, Sriracha. It's unbelievable. Maybe that combo sound unappetizing in writing (I was skeptical before I tried it the first time!) but it will change your life. I feel like if you're going to go out to pizza, it has to be something way better than what Papa Murphy's could give you to take home and bake... Los ordered a Potato Chicken pizza, which again sounds weird: garlic mashed potato spread with rosemary potatoes and grilled chicken on top, laced with balsamic on top; but it is sooo good (and mellow, to complement the spicy other one). We only go there maybe 3 times a year, but I will miss it, can you tell? They have my favorite Rosemary Lemonade too (which is a rip-off from The Herb Farm, which is the northwest's best restaurant- consistently ranked nationally and globally too; you can eat there if you have $200/person?!) La Fiamma offers it for $2.50, a little easier on the ol' pocket book; and they serve some awesome beers from local breweries.

It was so fun to have a special evening and reflect with Los on where three years has brought us- there's definitely been some bumps on the road, but overall the ride has been a glorious one. We met when we were 22, we're now 29- life as we know it is about to change radically. We are leaving our comfort zone of the west coast, I am leaving my comfort zone of academia, and hopefully we'll be leaving our comfort zone of singlehood, heading toward parenthood at some point soon. Much change is afoot; and we couldn't imagine a better partner to face it all and journey through life with. My step-grandparents have been married 63 years, we look forward to growing old together as they have. It just keeps getting better and better and we are grateful.

New Shepherd for the Sheep

For those of you who may be interested, UPC finally found ournew head pastor George Hinman! I'm glad we'll get to meet him and hear him soon before we flock to Tejas!

The Winds of Change are a Blowin'

I've cried two times this weekend. That's a lot. I can't even remember the last time I cried before this? The first one was when our house went up for sale:) I know it's silly, but I've moved 22 times since I was 18. (I'm shocked to tally this up for the first time!) Having a home (let alone a brand new, clean one with a garden and more space than I knew what to do with) for 3 whole years has been such a blessing. We have had so much fun making it our own, and it has been such a haven for me. It was finished being built right after our honeymoon, so our whole married life has been spent here, and saying goodbye to it will be strange and sad. I feel so connected to it, and want someone to appreciate it as much as we have.

The second time I cried was tonight, saying goodbye to Nick and Lindsay, our dear friends who are moving to Malawi, Africa in about 4 hours (leaving their house at 3am). I've already written a blog about HOW amazing they are, and it is weird to think about them leaving us behind. We're the military people, we're supposed to leave them! It is way harder to be left behind. Almost every memory I have of our life in the Skagit Valley has them in it. They have been our best friends here, ever since the night Nick invited himself over for dinner to tell us about Young Life in the valley. We had only been here maybe a week or two, and hadn't even unpacked all the way! Driving home that night, Nick and Linds said they felt like they had "just gone on a really good date." We became instant friends after that, sharing:
1. B-E high school sports games (both here and at the State Championships)
2. Sakuma Bros. Market
3. Seeds- our favorite restaurant in La Conner
Lots and lots of:
4. Settlers-favorite board game
5. Hand and Foot- favorite card game
6. Riverside Athletic Club (the RAC)
7. Young Life campaigners and a week at Malibu Club in Canada
8. 3 years worth of good meals (including about a billion batches of Lindsay's brownies) and great conversations
9. Shuffleboard at the Edison
10. watching Lost and playing the Wii at their house
11. horseback riding in the Cascades from Nick's dad's house
12. Tulip Festival
13. Berry Dairy Days
14. When we got Burly, he and Allie (their Golden Retriever) fell in love.
15. Painting 3 rooms in our house
16. Playing Scrabble and singing along with iTunes:)

The list could go on and on. We've shared birthdays (we hosted a surprise party for Nick one summer, and they took me to bday dinner this year while Los was in the Middle East), holidays, family (we LOVE Lindsay's parents and Nick's grandparents), and Linds was at my graduation this summer. So much life has been shared together. They are so unpretentious, selfless, fun and wonderful, the kind of people you never get sick of hanging out with. I will miss being neighbors with them. I am so excited for their new adventure in Africa, and of course we plan to visit them, but life will never be the same as this sweet season of 3 years. When we left their house, I cried all the way home, half in sorrow, half in gratitude for the gift their friendship has been to me. The first two years we lived here, when Los was gone 1/2 the time, it was they who cared for me, and invited me over so as to assuage my grief and loneliness. They are great examples to me of the kind of friend I want to be to others. So to Nick and Lindsay I raise my champagne (of course) glass- may your future be as amazing as you are. We love you.

Beijing Olympics

I have mixed feelings about China and these Olympics, but I've gotta say they put on one heck of an opening ceremony!  It was neat to hear all the underdog stories and see people (like the 14 year old British diver- so cute!) who are so excited just to be there (since they have no real chance of winning a medal.)  But the thing that stuck out most to me was the commentary on the lone Afghani woman who was supposed to be there.  Apparently because of death threats on her life from fundamentalists, she disappeared recently and is seeking asylum in Norway.  That makes me sad on multiple levels.

I don't know what else to say about that, so on a more superficial note, the second thing that sticks out to me is how many countries I've never heard of and how varied the fashion is in the world.  I liked the classic Brits, and French, quadrennial favorites (I'd say perennial but it's every four years) and the Kazakhs rocking the turquoise and orange, fave colors of mine.  Here's to great competition and drama over the next few weeks (and to clean air in China, and female Chinese babies, and stopping human traficking and media censorship, freeing Tibet, and saving Darfur, etc.)

Big Prayers

I like to assign certain people that I know will pray to certain things in our lives, but this next month has so much stuff I'm enlisting all of blogdom, if you want, to pray. Some times when I pray, I want to leave God an out, in case God has other things in mind... such as, "God, allow us to sell our house quickly... if you want to." I don't know if I do this because I humbly don't know the sovereign mind of God, or because I am operating out of doubt. So in any case, ya'll can claim God's truth as you intercede for us.

#1- That we would sell our house in WA soon.
#2- That we would find the perfect place in TX when we househunt down there.
#3- That I would get a job where I can use my gifting/talents/education .
#4- That I will pass all of my Ordination Exams in 3 weeks (I need to study a lot between now and then.)
#5- That my last seminary class ever (the next 2 weeks in Pasadena) will go smoothly and I'll write 27 pages by September.
#6- That Carlos will bless others and be blessed at Camp Side by Side (a camp coming alongside families with children that deal with cancer and serious illnesses) next week.
#7- That our heart remain close while we are separated for a few weeks (we should be pros at this by now, but it's always tough.)

Call and Response

Another uncomfortable and thought-provoking (i.e. good) topic that's been cropping up in conversation lately is the human trafficking sector(i.e. slavery= bad). We've long been fans of International Justice Mission and Gary Haugen, but recently a few documentaries, articles and benefits that we've heard and read about have been getting attention, such as Invisible Children, Call and Response and Cargo. Please check out the links.

I read an article in Canada yesterday about the situation in China, which has more forced prostitution than ever, ramping up for the Olympics and a flux of international clientele. Even the thought of this makes me sick. The police know about most brothels, yet do nothing about them, since druglords rule the roost. The author of the article hid a video camera and went into a brothel, discovering many small rooms crammed with 20-30 girls and young women, waiting to be selected or rejected. I can't even imagine the devastation that does to a soul.

When we were on the bus to the airport in London, I saw 4 guys looking at a porn mag and I wanted to rip their heads off for objectifying women- and that's with women who choose to model their bodies! I can't even fathom the magnitude of the scale of people who would not choose this path for their lives, but have been forced into it! There are 27 million (at least) slaves in the world today, many of whom are children and women. This is double the amount of people in captivity when Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation.

They have no voices. You do. What will be your response?

Whatever you do for the least of these, you do unto me. -Jesus

Being Green and Sustainable...

So after I declared April to be Earth Month, I did nothing about it. Now the month is half over. Typical. My friends the Mazzarello's went Green Fest this weekend, and I hope to learn a lot from them when they come up to play with us. But I will at least post links to people and groups that are inspirational to me, like my two new bff's, one from each coast:
Matthew Sleeth who wrote the book Serve God, Save the Planet. He preached in Mars Hill's God is Green series that was so amazing last summer, and will be in MI again at the beginning of May- podcast him, you won't regret it.

And Cal's Michael Pollan, who writes lots of provocative things all the time.

Also check out some intriguing sites:
Earth Ministry and Grist

Love God with all Your Heart, Mind, Soul and what?

This is not a theological reflection per se, but why do we strive to love God with all that we are, yet leave off that last bit about strength? Our bodies are our temples, so the scripture goes, yet most of us pollute the crap out of them with alcohol, drugs (caffeine: the 'Christian' drug) and even bad or too much food. At least I do. Being overweight seems to be a socially acceptable sin, what with 2/3 of our country falling somewhere in that camp.

One of my longest friends, Becky has inspired me to achieve bucket list #6. Unlike people who go on diets to drop from size 6 to size 4 (grrrr), she’s someone I can resonate with, since we’re both tall and large-framed. She has reshaped her lifestyle and lost 50 pounds thus far in her journey, feeling healthier than ever. We were both athletes and continued to eat like athletes when we stopped playing year-round sports. Carbs carbs carbs, ever since I was a kid. Because of that, I realized, I’ve gained about 35 pounds in the past ten years. I’m not proud of this, but I didn’t even notice it at first, because 4 pounds a year doesn’t seem like a lot… But they are sneaky little suckers and definitely snuck up on me!

So as I wrote about before, I’m starting my own journey about awareness, and change. I know it will take a long time, but I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been reading the book that she uses, and have learned more than I ever thought I would about things like my liver, lymphatic system, colon and supplements/vitamins. The author encourages organic food and cutting out alcohol, caffeine, sugar and empty calories. And (what may be the hardest part for me) drinking half your weight in ounces of water every day. That task alone makes me want to drop pounds:) Dave Lutz, a Seattle therapist and speaker that I like a lot, has recommended this to me before; but I thought it would be impossible. I see a sign- Many Bio Breaks Ahead!

I am intimidated to attempt to lose weight and be on a ‘diet,’ because this is something I’ve never done before. I don't know if I believe I can do it, which is sad, but honest. However, the awareness I’m gaining has been amazing. Like the difference between healthy food and unhealthy food. I heard someone say you should only shop around the outside walls of grocery stores. Sure enough, that’s where the fruits, veggies, protein and dairy I need is. It makes me sad that you have to have more money to eat more healthily- the cheap food is the empty-calorie carbs, sugary/salty stuff.

So anyone who wants some sugar, let me know, I’m cleaning out our cupboards of that stuff- I’ll be your sugar mama:) Maybe we’ll bring some back (in ‘moderation’) eventually, but for now, out it goes!

Transitions, Defensiveness, Wholeness..

My time is winding down at the hospital. I am trying to savor each conversation with patients and nurses, not knowing whether or not I’ll ever have an experience like this again. Last week one of my co-workers remarked that she was surprised I haven’t wept with patients. I was aware of multiple reactions to her comment. My obnoxious default (that I’m trying to change) is to be defensive and reactive. That isn’t helpful. Justifying oneself never seems to open conversations.

My second unhelpful reaction, which I’m also trying to change about myself, is to compare. If I am not crying as much as others, what does that mean? Do I suck as a chaplain? Are my empathy skills lacking? Is everyone else better than me? Why do I care, if they are- what does it say about myself that that is threatening?

Oh, introspection… my constant companion. I no longer want to live in a reactive space, either by becoming defensive, or comparing and beating myself up. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and do things my way, not trying to emulate anyone else, or measure myself against them. We all have different gifting. I want to be confident in and use mine, not that of someone else. I know who I am, I know how my heart has been deeply moved by patients and families; and that impact can manifest in a variety of ways.

However, I tried exploring her question, asking myself if I am letting my heart be callous as a coping technique for imminent transitions. I have experienced a lot of transitions in my life. More than most people. And I have many to anticipate on the horizon as well. Moving. Jobs. Friendships. A lot of saying goodbye and starting all over again. Withdrawal can be a natural, almost subconscious tendency for self-preservation.

My lovely friend Shannon is in a similar space, and shared this weekend how she’s stopped her premature grieving processes, since they aren’t helpful. Rather than letting her live in the present and make the most of opportunities, her heart has many times been burdened and distracted by question marks about the future, which have robbed her of being present.

I resonate with her, feeling like I’m merely ‘treading water’ at times, rather than being purposeful about the time I have. I would like to follow her lead in soaking in all a place has to offer before transitioning to the next place. Everywhere we go and everyone we meet have such extraordinary things to offer, if only we are open to the present. So that is my prayer for the end of my time here at the hospital, for this season of life, and for all who can resonate with this struggle to stay present amidst the question marks of life. Amen.

One Month and Counting

I am now starting my first countdown of 2008. I know there are a few more to come (countdown to graduating, to moving out, to renting or selling our house, to having a baby, to moving across the world…) yet I hate living in that space. That constant, anxious glance at the calendar and clock. That anticipation. Rather, I just want to live in the present, today, where I am. I want to savor and soak it all in while it’s still here.

My first countdown is to finishing my chaplaincy work at the hospital. I am both saddened and relieved when I think about it being done. I am relieved only because there are so many other competing factors in my life right now, and the addition of free time will be much appreciated. Yet I feel guilty about feeling this relief, as though in some way it negates the deep appreciation I have for my experience at the hospital. It has been an amazing time of examining myself and walking alongside others whom I would never have met if not for this season.

I feel sad because working here may be the most profound ministry I have ever experienced. Not in some terms, as building lasting relationships is a high value to me, and I don’t get that in an ICU or ED. But in terms of entering into peoples lives at such times of acute pain, grief, anger and sorrow, questions and wrestling over choices. To live, to die, to compromise, to have integrity. The hospital is a sacred space and I have been so blessed to be a part of people’s lives there. Though I know my countdown will end soon, I pray that I take and keep applying things I have learned at the hospital, about myself, about humanity.

Christmas: Part I- Change and Ritual

This Christmas was my first in Washington. Away from my family. I am a big girl, a grown-up even; 28, with a husband, dog and contemplating kids of our own soon. And yet I felt myself sink into a bad mood as Christmas neared. Rather than think how lucky I have been to travel to see my family in California every year for the decade I haven’t lived there… 27 Christmases in a row in sunny CA should be enough, right? Instead, I was pouting that this would be the first not seeing them.

I love the energy, the chaos, the rituals, the shared laughs, meals and stories. The familiarity. It is tough to say goodbye to all of that. Not even goodbye, since we’ll probably join them again some day, but just goodbye to that being a permanent fixture I can count on in life. One less ritual in my already poor repertoire of rituals. I have always wanted to have lots of ritual in life, but I move too frequently, or am too forgetful (probably both) to remember things and repeat them annually.

My mother-in-law is the queen of ritual, so I am learning a lot from watching her. I know that as we move around the country/world, I’ll have to make more effort than most to have a sense of stability in creating rituals. (even if they’re only 2-3 years at a time) I’ll take any suggestions or advice you guys might have, stories of favorite traditions, etc. Lord knows I could use some help, since the only constant in my life is change. I need some inspiration and creativity to fuse stability and change together. Any thoughts?