Before giving birth I didn't realize...

(this one is for all the moms out there)
One month ago I didn't realize:
The value of having grandparents close by, and what a loss it is not to have them close daily...

How close this experience would make me to my own mom...

That multiple days could pass (at first) without me leaving our house...

That 20 pounds could disappear in one week! Amen...

That I could survive without a full night's sleep, getting conditioned to shorter stretches...

That I would "hear" my baby's cry, even when she was sound asleep...

That I would be able to walk a 5K less than a month after giving birth...

That taking a 4 hour road trip by myself with an infant could be possible...

That my bad (fast) driving wouldn't change with my new precious cargo, bummer...

That going to the bathroom (TMI) could be scary at first and such a challenge with stitches:)

That bras were made in a size H! Uggh.

That something as natural as breastfeeding would be so hard for me, and that something as stupid as low milk production could make me feel like a failure in life.

But that supplementing would be the course we have to take.

And seeing a 10 pound, one month old, asleep in her crib would be the most beautiful sight ever.

Lots of stuff I didn't realize til this past month... I could go on (like how fast/high weeds grow in a month in my yard in the summer) I am glad to know that life goes on post-baby. We've taken Claire to restaurants, churches, grocery and clothes shopping, a baseball game, the beach, all over Austin, etc. Not bad for less than 5 weeks of life.

Pregnancy Amnesia

I've heard that in labor and delivery, you not only push out a little person, but also your brain, which is what makes moms so forgetful. On the one hand, I've heard it's humbling to forget things that used to be ingrained in your memory, on the other hand, I've read that it's good to forget the pain we go through, or no mom would ever get pregnant a second time. So at 38 weeks, before I totally lose my mind; I thought I'd write an account of what pregnancy has been like for me:

*week 0- Our 3rd wedding Anniversary in September
*week 7-8- feeling a little "off" hormonally, but thought it was depression b/c of our x-c move
Things I did that I maybe/probably shouldn't have during pregnancy: drink wine, tequila, vodka, etc., take steroids (in my eye!) that cause birth defects, eat sushi/soft cheeses/deli meat, rides at amusement parks, skiing black diamonds in CO, and others I'm sure I'm forgetting (probably best).
*week 9-10- feeling acid reflux-y, went to 2 docs, was told I have an ulcer, then GERD. Meat/fish aversion also started; I've gotten protein from dairy/nuts mostly.
*week 10- 3rd doc confirmed pregnancy, heard heartbeat that day, weird. I was in shock. Went to the library, checked out a few books.
*week 11-16- shock gave way to nausea, I puked 1x/week but felt gross daily- things that made me sick: the smell of meat, Burly, Los, brushing my teeth, spitting and sight of mold. I normally love to cuddle with Burly, I couldn't stand the smell of him for over a month. It was very sad.
Also during this time, my sense of smell was on overdrive (lame superpower)- going to the grocery store was almost intolerable b/c of the bombardment of smells.
*week 16-17- first felt baby kick
*week 18- had a minor freak out that "life as we know it is about to be over!" We took an impromptu BabyMoon to CO and skied Crested Butte, one of the most gorgeous places I've ever been. This is also the last place I threw up.
*week 19- started to wear 2 pairs of maternity pants, which I later returned.
*week 21- found out it was a girl, named her Claire, and finally felt excited for the first time about this new season of life.
*week 23- started having Round Ligament Pains on long walks, scary at first, then I got used to them.
*week 25- bought maternity clothes and started to wear them, though I still wear my own clothes too.
*week 26- started having to pee way more, sleep being interrupted- sad. Also sound sensitivity started.
*week 29-30- travelled to west coast via plane, feet swelled for the first time, that was alarming. Realized the importance of hydration/elevation.
*week 31- Claire much more active, to point of watching her move inside my skin. Felt like a little alien in the tummy.
*week 32- face getting more oily and stretch marks came- NOT a fan of either!! Another sucky thing was that my calves started to hurt after sleeping/not moving enough, Los was kind enough to squeeze them occasionally when they bugged me.
*week 35-36- starting to get less comfortable, feeling pelvic pressure, and stopped going on long walks, 1 mile is fine with me now. Also started randomly losing my breath since my diaphragm is being squished.
*week 36- feet swelled for the second time. I fell and cut/bruised my leg/hip badly. And my not-friend, reflux, came back. Also, we built her nursery furniture the past couple of weeks.
*week 37-38- hands/thumbs have started to hurt in my sleep (carpal tunnel or circulation?) and I said goodbye to my wedding rings at week 38. Boo. Also we just put her carseat in the car! Now I feel legit, bring it on.

I'm sure I am forgetting some things, but this is all I can think of right now. Largely, it's been an uneventful pregnancy; the transitions/pains I've felt have all been pretty standard. The only interesting thing was when the sonographers couldn't find Claire's left hand- I was sad about that for a few weeks, but then they found it. My pain tolerance has increased some, but I've also had an easier time than some, with no abnormal things to watch out for, which we're grateful for. My blood pressure has stayed the same the entire time and weight gain was negligible the first trimester. I gained 5 lbs. by week 20, another 15 by week 30, and 5 in the past 8 weeks. I was afraid of gaining a lot of weight, but am glad mostly I have just craved fruit/ice water during the pregnancy. I did have a couple weeks where I wanted ice cream/popsicles (sugar) and pickles/chips (salt), but those subsided quickly. Some women stressed me out about physical ailments/bed rest during pregnancy- but thankfully that hasn't been the case for me. Now I am just spending time "nesting," getting our house ready and Claire's nursery ready, and soon I will be packing my hospital bag, since Claire already weighs over 6.5lbs. and her due date is in 2 short weeks.

LIFE- tragic, abundant, wrenching, beautiful.

Life is so fickle. This past week in my mailbox, I received on the same day both a wedding announcement/save the date card, and a merchandise credit to Williams-Sonoma. One couple of friends got married in Switzerland, and are coming stateside to have a celebration in Santa Barbara this summer. I couldn't be happier for them. Another couple dissolved their new marriage and returned all of our gifts in the mail. I couldn't be sadder for them. The irony of that juxtaposition in my mailbox struck a chord with me. I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3. Its scope is beyond me.

When we first moved to TX, we decided not to go to the west coast for the holidays. We wanted to save money, which was a good thing, since in March we'll be going to both California and Seattle for a week each. Some old friends in Houston invited us to spend Thanksgiving with them and we were very excited to do so. We had the most lovely day, and shared it with one of the coolest families I have ever met. Their name is the Alford's and their huge southern mansion in Houston's artsy district could not have been more beautiful. It's beauty was far eclipsed, however, by the love in that 5 person family. They had been through a hard year, as the father, Gene, had been paralyzed from the waist down in an accident on their farm (a tree pinned him down on his tractor). Gene is a prominent surgeon, and navigating the life changes after that tragedy was, and continues to be, challenging. But the love and support and joy we experienced in their family in November was palpable, the tragedy just made them stronger as a family.

I am sad to say that this past week, tragedy struck them again. I have no idea why tragedy strikes, but our hearts are groaning with and burdened for the Alford's and we would love if you would pray for them. The youngest son Charles had just turned 16, and was so excited to be given a car from his grandparents. He was driving back from west TX, when he was struck and killed in an accident. His mom was in the car with him and also injured. She is now temporarily joining her husband in a wheelchair. Her grief and strength are unimaginable to me. You can see Charles' sweet face and read his obituary here. Please pray for Gene, Mary, John and Bess and their extended family. Charles had a keychain with the verse Is. 41:10, a verse other friends of mine have chosen to uphold in the face of death as well, as it says a promise from God, "Fear not, for I am with you." May we all cling to that truth amidst the tumult of life here on earth.

Life is short, tragic, beautiful, fulfilling and wrenching, if we fully live. I suppose we could numb ourselves throughout it, a la Zach Braff in Garden State, one of our most favorite movies, but I would rather feel deeply, all of the heights and all of the depths combined. I don't know what strange and hard things you may be getting in your mailbox, facing in your family or facing in this questionable economy, but I am going to join the chorus of those trusting that amidst it all we need not fear, for God is with us.

Christmas Reflection on Mary

Funny how being pregnant makes me think about Jesus' mom at this Christmas-time than I ever have before... As a virgin, betrothed to Joseph, she must have been feeling like life was going pretty well, maybe just how she wanted it. Sure they might not have had much financial stability (as today's sage counselors advise us before getting married), but undoubtedly they had dreams and a plan for a future together.

Until an angel comes and 'ruins' everything. Besides scaring the crap out of her (presumably, as angels tended to do in Scripture), he also let her know that God had an agenda for her life that she didn't quite bargain for. It was going to include miracles and being a part of history unlike anyone else. A total honor, yet one that would also come with a lifetime of hardship. The immediate shame of being pregnant, when society may or may not believe that Joseph was the father, and all the rumors that would swirl around with that. Some people probably thinking she was crazy for trusting God was at the helm of her son's life, during the persecution and crucifixion he would later face. In all of this, she had to give up control, something hard for us to do. A pastor in Seattle calls raising children a 2-decade exercise in giving up control. True, but we at least hope they'll be safe. Mary couldn't even hope for that.

When she told the angel, "may it be as you've said," I have newfound respect for her, as she accepted all of the future joys and pains that awaited her for the rest of her lifetime.

But the part that really gets me is when it's time for her to go into labor. If I were birthing the savior of the world (which I'm not, but IF I was) I would AT LEAST expect to be put up in a 5-star hotel with room service for the few days surrounding the labor and delivery. I mean, it's the least God could do, right? I'm signing up for a lifetime of who knows what- can I at least be comfortable while giving birth?! Doesn't seem like to much to ask. They've traveled to Bethlehem, where Joseph's roots are. You would think that if the guy had family in the area, when there was no room "in the inn," some relative would've at least said, "come sleep on our pull-out couch" or something... Nothing. And what kind of town sees a massively pregnant woman, and doesn't offer to help her out?! What kind of people are these?

Mary must have felt really alone. And we are not meant to be alone. We are not designed to be alone. So the funny part of the story to me, is when these crazy-haired shepherds enter the picture. Totally random guys, who've been living with animals more than people, show up on the scene, not even sure what they're looking for; but trusting God will guide them. And they come to Mary, Joseph and Jesus. I'm gonna go on a wild hunch that they're not the community that Mary was hoping for to surround her after giving birth. When it is my turn, I want family and friends around me, not some weird dudes who've been herding cattle in West Texas. I'm just saying. Yet this is the community that God offers them. She could either feel alone, and sorry for herself, or embrace, yet again, the plan God has for her life, and the people God brings into her life.

I have been feeling alone some of the time I've been in TX. Especially today, on Christmas, even as a 29 year old, it is weird to be away from family for the first time. Things look different than I thought it should, or am used to. It would be easy to feel alone in this. But the truth is, we are not alone. We have good friends in Kiesha, Dave and the Richerson's nearby. We have a new church that has embraced us, and people from there who asked us to come over on Christmas. Life may look really different than what we have known, but like Mary, we are doing our best to receive what God has given us in this blessed season. I pray the same for all of you. God puts people in each of our lives; maybe not the people we expect or would choose ourselves, but we don't have to be alone. The human heart was meant to be in community, so embrace those around you, or reach out to someone who may feel alone today.

Marriage and God's Timing: Remembering our Stories

Two of my favorite people got engaged yesterday, Dave (a Navy pilot that Los did ROTC with) and Kiesha (my friend from college). We introduced them to each other (score another one for the Yenta-esque matchmaker in me), after I had told Kiesh about Dave for years. Their story is as sweet and powerful and redemptive as can be. The proposal story is hers to tell, but was beautiful and perfect. It was a total surprise to Kiesha, and on a day where she could be surrounded by her best friend, family and lots of loved ones. Hearing their story on the phone, and relaying it to Los, I started crying, and cried on and off the next few hours, as I was in awe of the power of God's covenant faithfulness to them in knitting them together in his perfect timing. They're 29, and for a long time, she was concerned that it wasn't God's plan for her to get married, even though it was the desire of her heart. Kiesha is so loving, giving and joyful to everyone else in her life; and was one of my friends that I wondered, "what's the hold up God? She's awesome, can't you just hurry up and make it happen for her?" I have a few other friends like that too, where I confuse my idea of timing with God's, and forget to have patience and trust in God's better judgment. Do you ever do this? I know I'm not alone in this mistake.

Hearing the result of their patience and trust in God was a good reminder for me to revisit areas where I feel anxious or aggravated instead of God's peace that surpasses understanding. Listening to their story also reminded me to remember my own story. Too often, lots of married people get bogged down with the massive to-do lists and bills and hurts and bitterness and unknowns and chores (maybe you don't, but I do) and we forget the magic and romance of what God did when we courted and married our spouse. I know that love isn't only a feeling, it's a verb, a decision, etc. But it's also a feeling! And I never want to lose the memory of or appreciation for the romance side of love. The day Carlos proposed to me in France, as I've said, is the best day of my life. Hearing Dave and Kiesha's proposal story prompts me to recall our own story more, so I can treat Los the say he deserves to be treated (the BEST!), rather than like just the guy who I wish would take out the trash or clean the dishes:) I'm not saying I'm a bad wife, but who among us does not have room for improvement? So there's my invitation to you who read this, and could stand to put your spouse (or a friend/family member) before yourself this week.

Melancholy for what we leave behind...

In less than a week, our household belongings will be packed up and shipped out; we'll see them a month later. We'll be borrowing dishes/towels, etc. from a neighbor for our last 5 days and sleeping on the trusty Aerobed. It will be like camping. Except in our own house... Even with all the excitement of our imminent road trip and new home, we are feeling sad these days for what we'll leave behind. Other than the weather (which has been rough), living in WA the past 3 years has been such a gift.

We love our house, and the view of nearby mountains. To design the garden has been so life-giving for me. I am giving away pumpkins now, the last of our summer fruits. And we couldn't wish for better neighbors, they are so wonderful; we'll really miss the community here. I'm told that the street we're moving to in TX has monthly parties and great relationships too, so we're looking forward to that.

Last night we took a sentimental trip down memory lane, visiting multiple favorite places for the last time. The golden farmland of the Skagit Valley contrasted with the mountains that jut up from the sea, and the neighboring San Juan Islands makes for a breathtaking scene, especially in autumn, as the leaves begin to change to all shades of brilliance. I am a sucker for old barns (there's just something about them that I love) and as we drove down the beautiful Chuckanut Drive (a must-do if you're in these parts, car commercials are filmed on it b/c it's a cliff at the edge of the land, with shimmering sea beneath) one last time, we marveled at how gorgeous our home here is. We have islands and water (kayaking, fishing, whales) just to the west, and the North Cascade Mountain Range for awesome skiing/hiking just to the east of our fertile valley.



We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant in the Valley, Seeds. It's named after the seed company that was in the same building for over a century. Apparently we produce the country's largest amount of seeds for vegetables and flowers. I've taken a lot of people there over the years, it is so special. It has local, sustainable (organic produce, grass-fed beef, etc.) fare and shows off all there is to love about this county's bounty. We had local beer, wine, oysters and the amazing bacon, avocado burgers for one last time. The town it's in, La Conner, is impossibly charming! Right on the river and full of cute boutique shops. What a great place.


After sleeping in today, we're now going hiking here (Sauk Mountain) for the last time in the Cascades. Such goodness all around us, we will miss this place.



I pulled all these photos off Google, but isn't this place beautiful?!

Wrapping up the Gift of Time

Today is my last full day in sunny So Cal. It has been an intense, but blessed two weeks here. My last seminary class is now over, all I have left is 12 hours of exams (3 today, 9 next weekend) and to read 2 books and write 27 pages. But I have a month to do all that.

Seminary has been an amazing 5 year journey in so many ways, and I am truly grateful for the role Fuller has played in my spiritual and academic growth and vocational discernment. However, it's been somewhat of a lonely time too, so many days/nights with just books and a laptop to keep me company. When Los was overseas for all those months, I was grateful to have the distraction of books/laptop, but attending a satellite campus as I did, I have really missed the communal element of being at a main campus. Not just driving in, sitting, and leaving; but sharing life together. Part of my favorite memories of grad school will be the summer I lived in Canada, going to Regent; if solely because of the shared meals/conversations that arise out of being in proximity to one another. I love hearing people's stories and seeing where our passions connect and diverge. I think there is nothing more powerful a human can say to another than, "you too?" Loneliness is part of the human condition, and to bridge that gap by connecting with others is such a gift.

All that to say, I feel like I've been trying to cram years worth of fellowship into the past 2 weeks. There weren't many females in Seattle at school that I felt on the same page as, maybe only Lisa, whereas they are in abundance down here. I felt joy and solidarity in so many conversations, many of which would not have ended if not for the clock reminding us that "time flies when you're having fun." I had good connection time with:

KC- whom I've known 17 years now! It's special to have that history with people. She's who I stayed with, 1.5 mi. from campus.
Amie- same, bridesmaid, and my best friend from jr.high/high school years, she came down for a wedding in LA. I was so happy to see her, even if I never got to go to Magic Mountain:(
Diane- classmate
Denise- classmate
Libby- Fuller's ASB president and all-around awesome gal who makes me laugh!
Heidi- E's great friend who through FB has become my friend, she's who works for World Vision and is amazing.
Katie- I know her from FL, and we graduated together. Very like-minded and encouraging to be around! I could've have talked with her forever.
Hanna- she was in our wedding too, and I know her from Cal, she's now getting a Ph.D at UCLA and is so wonderful, I hate that I only see her every few years!

Tonight I get to see my mom and have some good hours with her too, which will be great. And then back up to my real life I go, cherishing this great gift of time with women.

Ancient Corinth

Our last full day, we went over to the Peloponnese, separated from the rest of Greece by a ship canal Los bungy-jumped into. The Peloponnese is where many Athenians and other Greeks vacation, and would be worth going back to, as we were only there a day. Our guide says she loves Nafplio, a Venetian city in a stunning area, note to self. The Olympics were here for 1000 years BC, in Olympia, as well.

We visited ancient Corinth:
Temple of Apollo (5th c.BC)


Lecheon Road, the main thoroughfare to the port at the time. One thing that I take away with me is reminiscent of the idea that in 'heaven, streets are paved with gold.' What we value will be something we walk on... Here streets and gutters at times, are made out of marble. In the states we pay through the nose for classy marble, it is definitely high class; there, it's used as gutters. Amazing difference, and illustrated perspective to me.

The Bema, where Paul was for trial.

Philippi and Lydia

There are only so many ruins you can see in one trip, if you know what I'm saying. I had hoped that I would have some special interaction with God at Ephesus, Philippi or Corinth, but for whatever reason (100 degree temperatures, ants, distraction...) I didn't. They were special places to see, but nothing I saw was life-changing. What they did do, however, was put what I read on a page into context; and for that I'm grateful. Some people are primarily cerebral learners, and wouldn't gain from going to a place. I, on the other hand, am a very spatial and kinesthetic, I have written before about how BEING in a place, and engaging my 5 senses, tremendously helps paint a picture of what was going on.

Here we are at the ampitheater in Philippi.

Byron is a Seattle Opera singer, and performed a piece from the marriage of Figaro for us:)

An ancient basilica

potential prison where Paul was

Agora

Ancient strip mall (the shops of the Agora)


Men using the ancient bathroom


In Lydia, named after Europe's first Christian convert, a WOMAN. This is the river where she was baptized. There is a church erected there, just for baptism purposes. We went in there for a little while, the cool air was refreshing, and the acoustics were so good that we had an impromptu singing session...

Paul's Journeys and our journey...

So much life has happened in the past few weeks- I'll try to catch up and end our Greece photos now. Here are a few shots from the roads along the Grecian coastline; I don't have any good ones, but it is full of amazing vistas. It was amazing to think how Paul got so far without a car and freeways, or even a good pair of Nike's and Gatorade. Berea, for example, was up in the hills a good distance from Philippi.




This was from a little 'beach' stop. Our guide was so great, in letting us be her first ever group to stop at a beach town for a handful of hours, as well as the first group she took to bungee jump.

I took some notes during the week, while she'd give her little 'lessons' on Greek Mythology, history and various cultural and agricultural facts. She pointed out Marathon and Delphi, and places of significance as we journeyed. I think she had a doctorate in Archaeology (big in Greece), but she knew a ton about every subject. At first it was awkward to listen to her, because her voice was such a high pitch (I wonder if it's only American ears that prefer low pitched voices?) and we kept asking her to turn down the mic on the bus. However, she became quite endearing to us all throughout the 5 days.

With God in the Weeds

So my final research paper on Proverbs 31 got written after a delightful all-nighter... then we packed, had a great dinner with Jodi and flew down to CA. The next few days were amazing and pics/stories will ensue, but have been delayed because of... weeds. Many, many weeds inhabiting our property- more than seemingly possible. It is a sad thing when two people spend six hours in a garden and only get about 1/6 of the weeds up. However, some comical moments and spiritual nuggets always accompany our times in the garden. Here are a few of today's:

1) I always want to do the front yard first, because that's what neighbors and passers-by see. But the back yard is the beast that needs to be conquered. Likewise, in our lives, we try to take care of what's up front, and act like we've got everything together some times, to the neglect of real issues in our lives. Let me tell you people, the backyard weeds don't just disappear on their own! And neither do issues in our lives, I'm sad to say; I wish they did. But they need our attention. We can pretend to be happy and like everything is fine, but if the weeds in the back aren't rooted out, they'll keep on growin until they're almost unbearable. I hope your lives and mine don't get to a place like that. Take care of the back yard first.

2) Some times it's really hard to tell between a weed and a plant. Some weeds aren't spiky and ugly, they're deceivingly attractive. But I'm the gardener, and I know what belongs and what doesn't. I was reminded of Jesus' parable of The Weeds and the Wheat. a) I want to be a plant, not a weed and b) pray for others to be as well and c) while I'm fine being the judge in our yard, I'm glad I'm not the eternal judge between the two.

Snapshot from 2am

I should be sleeping. I tried to go to bed 3 hours ago. I’ve been checking the clock since 11:30. My mind won’t turn off. Does a spoonful of Nutella have that much caffeine? Is it excitement about graduation? Anxiety about finding a job and a new home? Anticipation of traveling this summer? And in years to come? (Asia, the Caribbean, Africa and World Cup?) Talking about getting Burly a sister again- a Pug, or maybe another breed? Decisions, decisions. Making lists in my head. Things on back burners and things on front burners of our lives. Thinking about buying and selling furniture, yet wanting to live simply. It’s hard to have a “style” when your location and space changes every few years. Rustic pine? Espresso? Glass? Wood? New? Antique? Who knows! Where and when will we end up somewhere? We hope we land permanently in CA, but are we the kind of people that land permanently? We’ll never stop exploring, but is it in our DNA to settle? There’s so much to experience in life! So much wonder, so much beauty and creativity. We are on the cusp of new life, full of surprises around every corner, I can feel it, it makes me hyper and giddy. The yearning to experience as much as possible in this life makes me ache! It makes me want to burst!

Yet it’s 2am. And I should be sleeping. I’ve done all my tricks, performed all my acrobatics, went pee another time, closed the shutters even more tightly. Cuddled with my dog. Put him in another room, so I don’t hear him snoring. It’s raining outside. That should be soothing. My husband is sleeping next to me. I put my ice-block feet on his warm legs. Listening to him breathe should be soothing. Yet here I am, twiddling my thumbs at 2am. There must have been something in that Nutella.

Judgement Day

This morning I got up early. I have been feeling anxiety about this day for 3 months, ever since I got my speeding ticket and decided to mitigate. I have rehearsed my story ("I have a really good reason, sir...") over in my head 1,000 times. I got dressed in a professional outfit, considered which shade of lipstick a judge would most likely prefer and went on my way.

When I got to court, I was quite entertained by the irony and comedy of the situation. I was corralled into a room of about 25 people, all of whom you would never naturally place together, so it made for great people-watching. There were business professionals in suits, glittery, gum-smacking teens just a hair over 16, and 'trailor park trash' to boot. We were all brought together by breaking the law, how sweet, the nervous energy in the room was palpable.

We all arose when the honorable judge entered the room and I began listening to everyone else's story. It was amazing how many people were kissing up to him (e.g. "I am ashamed to be standing here, sir. I am a Canadian citizen and it is a privilege to be a guest in your country," etc.) What a load of crap this guy must hear every day! How does he keep a straight face? I did the math, thinking that if he comps everyone's tickets to $100 just for showing up, what's the point of telling a story- the court is making thousands of dollars an hour! The 25 of us were just the 8:30 group, there was another herd of suckers coming in at 9 and again at 9:30.

By the time it got to me, I decided that I'd rather not follow the mold of everyone else- not having a ticket on my record/insurance matters more to me than getting a deal. So I took the deferral, which says if I don't get another ticket in 1 calendar year, this one will be kept off all records. It's a pretty cool option that WA has, I don't know about elsewhere. I figure that since we're moving in 4 months, my odds are pretty good (since I haven't had another ticket this decade).

As I left, I thought about all the biblical parallels of the Judge and judgement. I am glad that the Judge we have is not only just, but loving, merciful (not giving us what we deserve) and gracious (giving us what we don't deserve). Unlike this judge, Christ paid the price on our behalf. It is costly grace, yet it is offered freely. I drove away feeling grateful.

I Believe…

Another post in honor of Easter. I had to sit down for some people and I write what I believe. It's by no means comprehensive, but a good start. Have you ever thought in depth about what you do and don't believe re: God? It's kind of hard to articulate! Try it. I did with my college girls, and an interesting conversation ensued that we may never have had otherwise.
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I believe in the trinitarian God, Father, son and Holy Spirit. I believe they exist in eternal community and created all that exists. I believe that God’s sovereign and sacrificial love enables humanity to be in right relationship with God. He promises a covenantal love to His people.

I believe that the free will we have, has been abused by poor stewardship, so only Christ, by grace, through his death and resurrection, can reconcile us to God. I believe that when we submit our will and desires, to be conformed to Christ’s likeness, the Holy Spirit works in us, to purge our sinful nature and build us into his disciples.

I believe we can commune with God through prayer and through gathering as the body of Christ, the church. We interact with God through the Bible given to us as His Word. When we read the words, hear the Word proclaimed, and pray the word, we mysteriously encounter Jesus, the Word of God.

When we respond with a sacramental life, we honor and grow nearer to God. Through sharing the ‘signs and seals’ of communion and baptism, we are incorporated into Christ’s death and life. We take in his body that was broken, then as a body we are broken and go out into the world as His ambassadors to share the good news of his grace to others.

Resurrection Reflection (repost)

Here's something I wrote at this time last year. According to my stat counter, people from all over the world (Australia, England) are reading this this week. So in honor of Easter and such, I just thought I'd throw it back up there- it's from the point of view of Mary Magdalene. Be blessed.
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“Mary.” Hearing that one simple word, my name, changed everything. To be honest, I was crying so hysterically when I first saw him that I didn’t even recognize him! I thought he was the gardener. The gardener! Didn’t he teach that he was “the vine and his Father was the gardener?” Well God, I guess he is looking more and more like you the longer I know him.

When he said my name, all the confusion and chaos of the past couple of days came to a halt. All of a sudden my identity felt secure and affirmed. I never pictured Jesus going about things this way, but there he was, alive, and once again, helping me understand truth. He calls me by name, he calls us by name, he meets each of us where we are, and has the power to restore everything that’s broken.

In any case, I had been so upset because I thought maybe someone had stolen his body. Everything that had happened the past couple of days was almost unbearably heart-wrenching. Seeing my teacher, my friend, up there on the cross was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Perfection sandwiched between criminals. Dying a humiliating death in front of people who persecuted him up until he gave up his last breath. Why did it have to be like that? He used to hint about this, but it was too cryptic for me to imagine what was really going to happen.

And there was an earthquake as he died. It was as though the earth was grieving the loss as well. I couldn’t tell which was louder, the chasms being split open on the ground, or the crashing happening inside my heart. Both were devastating. That morning was so dark. The clouds that came over the sun came over my spirit as well.

And then I was supposed to prepare for Sabbath? Yeah right. I felt angry, I felt restless, I felt out-of-control; the last thing I wanted to do was be still. There was no peace to be found this week. I stayed as long as I could outside the tomb. His mom and I and some others reminisced about Jesus’ impact on our lives. I don’t know if it was good or bad to do, since it made us all the more grieved.

I remembered the state I was in when he first found me. I was a mess. I usually don’t like to think about the demons that haunted me, but for a long time they were all I knew. They kind of ‘defined’ me. I believed a lot of lies about myself back then. When Jesus came into my life, he got rid of all of them. I didn’t have the power to do that on my own, and believe me, I had tried lots of ways to seek peace before meeting him.

Go figure, he was the only way to true peace. And he still is. When I was crying in the garden and he came to me, and said my name, I felt a surge of joy run up through my body. I hadn’t felt that in days, and I grabbed him, wanting to be as close as possible.
He said I couldn’t hold on to him, though. That he wasn’t staying. He was going to be with his Father, and told me to tell everyone about him. So that’s what I do now. I tell people, like you, about Jesus. I tell of his teachings, and how he changed my life. And the joy and peace I have now can’t be shaken. He is alive. And he calls me by name.

Washington D.C., Patriotism and Ideal vs. Real

I’m not a very patriotic person, in general. Sure I love my country, and I went to some 4th of July parades in my youth, and I’ve been proud when the U.S. did well in the Olympics; but Nationalism seems off-putting to me. When people think the States are right about everything, I want to immediately pack their bags for them and send them on an extended international trip to get some perspective. We aren’t perfect. We have hurt people. Forget the past tense, we do hurt people. We are the largest Arms dealer in the world- that’s not a good thing. For all of the blessed good in the U.S., there’s the equally ugly, embarrassing side that we all too frequently ignore.

I am trying to move away from the polarization I naturally do, and I’m attempting to hold both the good and the bad pieces at once. Save for examples like Howard Zinn’s book, history books are generally written from the winners’ perspective. But for those in power, there’s an equal story from those on the underside of power. It is hard for me to hold both sides in tension, but D.C. is the best place I can think of to wrestle with these issues. D.C. has an uncanny mix of both the best our nation has to offer and the worst.

I felt more patriotic even before I stepped foot in this city. Just being on the plane, I was aware that people around me were important, and doing interesting things with research and policies, living for something bigger than their own existences. On the one hand, D.C. is an extraordinary place. To see the sun setting on the Washington Monument, or watch it and the others lit up at night is breathtaking. I am only used to seeing such structural beauty in other countries. And even though I’m clueless about the content of their discussions, I imagine the material beauty I see pales in comparison to the great minds of the world, who meet here regularly.

On the other hand, I am aware that D.C. is a place of great pain. This morning at breakfast, we had a long conversation with Keandra, a local African-American. She shared how racism is still alive and well, something she encounters daily. She recounted various inter-racial conflicts. It goes so far that the Ethiopians and other black Africans here are prejudiced against the black Americans, thinking they are lazy and good for nothing. Shocking. She spoke of the drugs and violence and gangs tearing down youth here, and how the schools are literally falling apart. How devastating, that the town in which our President lives, and proclaims “no child be left behind” has thousands of children which are just that.

Even though it is uncomfortable, I am grateful for this chance to wrestle. It’s not neat and tidy, but it’s raw, it’s real. Rather than idealize this place, living the high life for a couple of days in Du Pont Circle, and then going on my merry way, I am glad Keandra shared what struggles this city has. It is good and bad, it is strength and weakness, it is light and dark- and it is important for me, for us, to be aware, and able to hold both together. That reconciliation makes me feel more patriotic.

Happy 2008

My first post of the new year... lots of pressure. I'm too tired to write anything profound, so I'll save reflection on our insights of the year just passed for the near future. Last night while Los and I drove to Forrest and Shannon (and JUDAH!)'s house for the New Years' party, we asked each other what the most significant 3 things about 2007 were, for ourselves, for the other, and for us as a couple. It was a great convo and powerful to introspect/reflect about that... but I'm too tired to recall it all. For now, anyway.

Can I just say that being an introvert is hard work during the holidays? Can I get an amen on that? I mean there are people everywhere... And FABULOUS people. People with whom I wish I connected regularly, but life gets in the way of that, so we cram it all into a 2-3 week period... that is just crazy. But exhilarating, stimulating, and I love it.

But now I am wiped out. And ready for a good long break until I go to another big party. So all you January partiers, feel free to skip my invite;) I'll be busy laying on the couch all month.

Resurrection reflection (Mary Magdalene)

“Mary.” Hearing that one simple word, my name, changed everything. To be honest, I was crying so hysterically when I first saw him that I didn’t even recognize him! I thought he was the gardener. The gardener! Didn’t he teach that he was “the vine and his Father was the gardener?” Well God, I guess he is looking more and more like you the longer I know him.

When he said my name, all the confusion and chaos of the past couple of days came to a halt. All of a sudden my identity felt secure and affirmed. I never pictured Jesus going about things this way, but there he was, alive, and once again, helping me understand truth. He calls me by name, he calls us by name, he meets each of us where we are, and has the power to restore everything that’s broken.

In any case, I had been so upset because I thought maybe someone had stolen his body. Everything that had happened the past couple of days was almost unbearably heart-wrenching. Seeing my teacher, my friend, up there on the cross was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Perfection sandwiched between criminals. Dying a humiliating death in front of people who persecuted him up until he gave up his last breath. Why did it have to be like that? He used to hint about this, but it was too cryptic for me to imagine what was really going to happen.

And there was an earthquake as he died. It was as though the earth was grieving the loss as well. I couldn’t tell which was louder, the chasms being split open on the ground, or the crashing happening inside my heart. Both were devastating. That morning was so dark. The clouds that came over the sun came over my spirit as well.

And then I was supposed to prepare for Sabbath? Yeah right. I felt angry, I felt restless, I felt out-of-control; the last thing I wanted to do was be still. There was no peace to be found this week. I stayed as long as I could outside the tomb. His mom and I and some others reminisced about Jesus’ impact on our lives. I don’t know if it was good or bad to do, since it made us all the more grieved.

I remembered the state I was in when he first found me. I was a mess. I usually don’t like to think about the demons that haunted me, but for a long time they were all I knew. They kind of ‘defined’ me. I believed a lot of lies about myself back then. When Jesus came into my life, he got rid of all of them. I didn’t have the power to do that on my own, and believe me, I had tried lots of ways to seek peace before meeting him.

Go figure, he was the only way to true peace. And he still is. When I was crying in the garden and he came to me, and said my name, I felt a surge of joy run up through my body. I hadn’t felt that in days, and I grabbed him, wanting to be as close as possible.
He said I couldn’t hold on to him, though. That he wasn’t staying. He was going to be with his Father, and told me to tell everyone about him. So that’s what I do now. I tell people, like you, about Jesus. I tell of his teachings, and how he changed my life. And the joy and peace I have now can’t be shaken. He is alive. And he calls me by name.