Pregnancy/Life Update from the world's worst blogger

In my mind I think about blogging. But when it comes time to sit down and do it, I just don't make the time. Sorry folks. But most of you are on Facebook by now, so I don't feel bad, you still have access to our lives, stories, and photos, just in a different venue. But for the 2 or 3 of you who've yet to join that time-sucking social networking tool, here are some photos of my pregnancy and the past 3 months of our lives. I finally took them off our camera to share them.
PHOTOS
It has been a busy, glorious, tragic time... I don't even know where I left off, so where to begin... Our trips west were amazing. Seeing friends/family, visiting places we love, eating food we like, etc. were all such treats. It was hard to come back to TX. But April zoomed by as we got Claire's nursery ready and read way too many books on what the heck to do with her when she comes. I had another baby shower here 2 weeks ago, and we have practically everything we need, which is nice.

Los loves his job, and has had great opportunities to fly and invest in younger guys here, both work related and otherwise. We love the squadron we are a part of, it's a great community, and are enjoying lots of times with others (sharing meals, game nights, watching our minor league baseball team play, and yesterday I think there were something like 8 teams of 6 members each that completed the Beach to Bay Relay Marathon; Los' team got a 3:02- really fast, considering that 4 miles were on sand!) Friendships are growing down here, which is great; and we love living down the street from Kiesh/Dave the newlyweds. Our other great neighbor friends Gabe and Meredith are people we see/love a lot too. Gabe was in a (car-totalling) gnarly car accident 2 weeks ago, and should have died; but miraculously, his life was spared. We've spent some good time with them and he is doing so much better, and will get to see their baby boy be born in 3 months, amen! While visiting him in the Emergency Dept. I felt nostalgic about my time last year as an ICU/ED chaplain. I don't know if that will be part of my future, but I missed it. I think working part-time preaching will probably be all I do the next two years, but we'll see.

Lastly, our pregnancy is almost over. We're excited about that, I'm bored by pregnancy; I feel like I endure it as a means to an end, but not really enjoy it. Lots of women I know LOVE being pregnant. I am not one of those people, and I am okay with that. I don't hate it either, but I feel like I put up with it more than relish in it. It's annoying to me when people talk to me, that's the first/sometimes only thing they want to ask about. I know their hearts are in a good place, I just don't always want to talk about it. At least they don't rub my tummy:) Only a few gals do that. At 38 weeks, I'm not too physically uncomfortable to be miserable, in that regard Claire could stay inside for months and I wouldn't mind. She has not over-stayed her welcome, she has never kicked me in the ribs, or anything like that.

I'm just bored; on with it already, let's get the show on the road. I feel grateful that I haven't gained too much weight, and am still able to sleep on my stomach, and do most everything I would otherwise, but after all the reading and nursery-preparing we've done, we just want to hang out with Claire; waiting for her to come out is getting old. AND, though I haven't had physical issues with pregnancy, 2 weeks ago at a squadron event, wives got to go in the planes and taxi them around the runway. This was SO much FUN (it is harder than it looks! did you know you steer a plane with your feet?!) BUT, when I was climbing out of the pilot's seat, I lost my balance (thank you bowling ball/dead weight attached to my front) and fell- splitting open my pants and leg, bleeding everywhere on the plane, awesome. I have a bruise the length of my shin bones and my scabs are going to leave a memorable scar. My hip also was hurt, and I'd like to get an MRI asap to see if any ligament damage was sustained; but this has to wait for Claire to come out. So in that regard, it will be nice to carry less weight around:) I don't want to complain too much, since it could be WAY worse- my friend Jodi tore her ACL/MCL/PCL and cartilege, just had knee surgery this week; I am grateful to be as mobile as I am at 38 weeks, even with this stupid injury. I just want to heal.

So that's the big update. Maybe I'll take some nursery photos and throw them up here. Everything else should be visible in that photo album I posted; let me know if you can't access it for whatever reason. Hopefully I'll get back to blogging semi-regularly soon. After all, I hear that new parents rarely sleep, this could give me something productive to do:)

On Marriage: Here I am, Send me! Or not. Maybe later...

Some times I wonder what was the deal with Isaiah 6, this great "sending" text we use in the Church. When Isaiah said, "God, here am I, send me!" was that the position of his heart no matter what? Once Isaiah heard what his mission in life was going to be, was he still on board? Or did he want to rescind his offer to be sent by God into a hurting world?
Some times I wonder about the same thing in my own life. Certain days I am like, "Yes God, USE ME!!" and yet there are times when I find out specifically how God might use me, I say, "nah, I changed my mind; get back to me with another, more lucrative offer..." Or even worse, "God, I meant can you use me on my own terms?" Anyway, gotta love our human frailty and self-focus:) Maybe this is why Isaiah made it into the Bible and I didn't:)

I have noticed recently that a lot of marriages aren't as healthy as they could be. Maybe this has always been the case, and I just have ears to hear about it now? I mean, there's the obvious and tragic statistics nationally, that so many marriages end, for one reason or another. But that seems nebulous, whereas the people I know who's hearts ache for something better, deeper, etc. seem to be increasing. Lots of wives have been sharing that they don't feel heard, safe or supported by their husbands. I'm sure if I was a dude, guys would be echoing that same sentiment to me. A lot of people seem unsatisfied with their marriages. Marriages aren't as urgent to maintain, like getting the bills paid, and the kids to school on time, so some people take them for granted and don't work on them. Military (or other job-required) separations exacerbate the problem as well. I am as guilty of this as the next person.

The past 6 weeks, we joined some neighbors in a marriage enrichment group that met short-term on Sunday nights. The sessions were heated and draining at times, as people shared their pain, anger and tears. Other than ourselves and the leaders, who've been married over 40 years, no one seemed to have very good habits in place for working through conflicts. For example, it was alarming to hear a guy say that he always "fights to win" and didn't seem to mind that that makes his wife of 18 years constantly withdraw. Or a wife of over a decade, say to her husband that she feels like she knows facts about him, but doesn't really feel like she KNOWS him. Pain. My heart grieved for these couples and so many others that have recently confided in us about their struggles.

So I asked the leaders where to refer couples that live locally and could really use some tools like those this group equip you with. I was hoping for a book, or an email address to recommend to people. To our surprise, the leaders then said they think Los and I should lead a group like this for 7 or 8 couples. Immediately, other couples affirmed that, and one even said they'd love to join our group. I was taken aback, mouth open, as I had not been interested in leading a group at all. I just wanted a quick fix to offer people, not the chance to really enter into their suffering and model/guide them toward health. Hence my questions about Isaiah, I've been praying, "Lord, do something for all these hurting marriages!" Not expecting or desiring at all that we might be part of the solution we're praying for...

So that brings us to today, as we're now considering leading one of these groups. I have no idea what it would look like, and if the 3rd trimester of pregnancy is the right timing for it, but it seems to be something growing in our hearts, marriage ministry. We are blessed to be a blessing, and if we could facilitate a space for other people's growth and freedom, that would be very cool, albeit a surprising new venture for us. Who knows where it could lead? So I'd love to hear from you married people out there!! What are the tools in your marriage that have made it work well for you?! What nuggets of wisdom do you have to pass on to others? How do you address areas in which you struggle? Any and everything you have to offer us would be awesome, either on this blog or in a private email. Thanks a lot friends, may we all grow in grace as we grow in age.

LIFE- tragic, abundant, wrenching, beautiful.

Life is so fickle. This past week in my mailbox, I received on the same day both a wedding announcement/save the date card, and a merchandise credit to Williams-Sonoma. One couple of friends got married in Switzerland, and are coming stateside to have a celebration in Santa Barbara this summer. I couldn't be happier for them. Another couple dissolved their new marriage and returned all of our gifts in the mail. I couldn't be sadder for them. The irony of that juxtaposition in my mailbox struck a chord with me. I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3. Its scope is beyond me.

When we first moved to TX, we decided not to go to the west coast for the holidays. We wanted to save money, which was a good thing, since in March we'll be going to both California and Seattle for a week each. Some old friends in Houston invited us to spend Thanksgiving with them and we were very excited to do so. We had the most lovely day, and shared it with one of the coolest families I have ever met. Their name is the Alford's and their huge southern mansion in Houston's artsy district could not have been more beautiful. It's beauty was far eclipsed, however, by the love in that 5 person family. They had been through a hard year, as the father, Gene, had been paralyzed from the waist down in an accident on their farm (a tree pinned him down on his tractor). Gene is a prominent surgeon, and navigating the life changes after that tragedy was, and continues to be, challenging. But the love and support and joy we experienced in their family in November was palpable, the tragedy just made them stronger as a family.

I am sad to say that this past week, tragedy struck them again. I have no idea why tragedy strikes, but our hearts are groaning with and burdened for the Alford's and we would love if you would pray for them. The youngest son Charles had just turned 16, and was so excited to be given a car from his grandparents. He was driving back from west TX, when he was struck and killed in an accident. His mom was in the car with him and also injured. She is now temporarily joining her husband in a wheelchair. Her grief and strength are unimaginable to me. You can see Charles' sweet face and read his obituary here. Please pray for Gene, Mary, John and Bess and their extended family. Charles had a keychain with the verse Is. 41:10, a verse other friends of mine have chosen to uphold in the face of death as well, as it says a promise from God, "Fear not, for I am with you." May we all cling to that truth amidst the tumult of life here on earth.

Life is short, tragic, beautiful, fulfilling and wrenching, if we fully live. I suppose we could numb ourselves throughout it, a la Zach Braff in Garden State, one of our most favorite movies, but I would rather feel deeply, all of the heights and all of the depths combined. I don't know what strange and hard things you may be getting in your mailbox, facing in your family or facing in this questionable economy, but I am going to join the chorus of those trusting that amidst it all we need not fear, for God is with us.

Serving up some Christmas Joy!!!

This is the best story ever. Ever. And it is so cool to have been a small part of it.

Towne Family

Sweet Little Ben

A week ago, Carin Towne wrote on their Caring Bridge blog about 3 year old Ben's desire to "serve (a tennis ball) just like Roger Federer." If you have not yet read their blog, do it right now. You will never forget it in your life.

So anyway, compelled by the desire to bring joy (albeit limited) to this family, I wrote Roger's mom and his US agent an email. I told them Ben's story and attached their blog. Why not, right?! Ben's body is ravished with cancer, and his days are limited. He has already suffered more than any human should have to, in his short life. Then my brilliant friend Shannon also cast her net wide and found a friend of a friend (of a friend, you know how that goes) who knew Tiger Woods, and another that had been on the tennis circuit as a pro years back and could call the head of Nike Tennis.

Long shot, right? NOPE!! Less than a week later, little Ben Towne got a couple surprises in the mail and on the phone today and yesterday... I can't tell you how happy that makes my heart. Read his mom's account to hear the story; it is so sweet in the midst of their pain which is anything but that. I am so grateful for all the strings that were pulled to reach Roger, James Blake and Andy Roddick within a week. Their willingness to reach out to Ben makes me even more of a tennis fan! I was partially disappointed, because I was literally praying that Roger would get on a plane in Switzerland, leave his vacation, to come to Seattle and visit Ben. Ben is MORE than worth it. And that hasn't happened (yet). But I'm still overjoyed in the joy that Ben felt being contacted by those 3 guys. Now I'm starting to pray for FREE 2009 US Open tickets for his parents. They want to go in honor of Ben. They have suffered the worst pain imaginable the past year, and are hanging in there by the grace of God. The most riveting sentence in their recent blog is his mom saying she wishes Ben's life could be saved by the love that has been shown to him this past year. So if you haven't been til this point, start praying: who's with me!!!!

Mariage and Divorce: Holding on to Hope

There was some song in the 90s that had the lyrics "Joy and Pain, Sunshine and Rain" (I think they included a "pump it up, pump it up!" if you recall). That's where I am this week. Two special friends just got engaged and are glowing, couldn't be happier to spend their lives together. They asked us to stand up in their wedding with them, we could not be more honored to do that, and we're thrilled to walk alongside them, and they us, for this season of life in S. Texas and whatever future seasons we may have near them.

There's some scripture about sharing in the joys of some and the sorrows of others. Simultaneously, as one couple of friends is joining, another couple of our friends are contemplating ending their marriage, and for them my heart is wrenched. I wish I could say that this is the first time I've known people my age to get divorced, but that's far from the truth, even in my 20s. I'm a product of divorce too, so I know the damage it causes kids intimately. It devastates me that over half of today's marriages end in divorce. I'm not saying that in every circumstance it should be avoided, but how flippantly people can treat something so destructive is the dangerous part.

For Christians, marriage is a covenant relationship, not just a contract that you enter into for a time, to get out when the going gets tough; yet that's how we often treat it. We promise "for better and worse." God's covenant faithfulness to us never ends, yet our commitment to each other is all too often thrown out the window in favor of self-preservation, a natural (but not always Biblical) instinct. The problem with the promise we make in our weddings is, that when we say the words for better or worse, we never imagine that WORSE will come. All we can imagine is the BETTER. Maybe we theoretically believe that worse could come, but the form of it always takes us by surprise. Maybe we are devastated. Maybe we are betrayed. Some mix of pain and anger consumes us, and trust is lost; even worse, hope is lost. And that is deadly.

Comparison is never helpful, but I know that Los and I haven't had as easy of a marriage as some, nor as hard of a marriage as others, so I can't imagine the pain some of my friends have felt or currently feel, as they wade through the muck and mire that was once their hope and dreams. I don't know how their situation will end. All I know is that I watched their mouths utter the words for better or worse, and that makes me feel responsible to lift them up in their pain and fight for their marriage, for reconciliation. For redemption, for resurrection from death to life. We don't have to rest on our own strength, God's word promises to make us new creations, if we'll let God transform us (through God's word, yeah, but also through counseling, and good community.) I believe that if their hearts would be soft and repentant, and if they could extend the grace (that God extends to us first!!) they have received to their partner, who badly needs it; then hope is not lost. It is right to feel betrayed and wronged when you have been, absolutely, you deserve something/someone better, absolutely. But that doesn't mean that can't be with the spouse you have promised forever to. Maybe I am wrong not to validate the desire for divorce in this circumstance, but unless their pride and self-preservation proves me otherwise, I'm going to hold on to this hope, that God will do a new thing in their lives, and rebuild what has been shattered. Please join me from afar, in prayer, for my friends in Seattle.

I've been listening to a song by my favorite artist, David Crowder, a lot. The lyrics are a lot of my prayer, that God is with us from the beginning til the end and can meet us in the midst our pain/wounds and repair what has been destroyed in our hearts. May we all be made new. Enjoy.

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pain (Los' first blog)

If you are not familiar with ben towne and his cancer, case and i urge you to make some time and read about his life. the following is a link to his blog.. find it here.

For any parent who has ever loved their kid, or any person who has ever loved anyone for that matter, this story will wrench your heart.

Awkward Change

I never finished posts about our trip across the country.  My goal is to do that today, but so far I have been in a funk, no kidding, since we crossed the Texas border line.  Reality set in that we weren't just on an epic 3,000 mile roadtrip.  No, no, we were moving to this new foreign land that quite frankly has nothing on the west coast in terms of beauty.  I grew up right by the Sierras and Yosemite, then in college moved to a place that is gorgeous with water and mountains (albeit rainy) daily.  Moving to a land of hot, dusty brown flat terrain is less than ideal.  My heart sunk as this reality set in, and I felt deep within me the need to cry it out.  Like full on sob, grieving what I lose (not only natural beauty, but deep friendships and closeness to at least one set of family) in moving here.  I have tried on multiple occasions the past week to cry, but tears won't come, so thus far I just feel stuck in sadness, loneliness and depression.

Needless to say, it's been a brutal transition, and that's not easy for me to admit or write about.  I want to be the positive adventure gal that is fired up about everything.  Instead I feel like the Psalmist lamenting in misery to God.  I have been sleeping a lot, and emotionally down when I'm awake.  I'm trying to make choices to exercise (walking the beach, etc. which is pretty cool) and eat well, and to reframe life.  I don't want to stay stuck in my self-induced pity party.  But at least for my first week here, that's where I've been.

Life is just going to look very different here.  Slow.  Which feels unfamiliar after the past 3 years of graduate school and traveling like crazy, and having tons of people to spend quality time with.  I have felt purposeless here, which is an awful feeling.  And untrue- we aren't purposeful because of what we can check off of our to-do lists.  We are purposeful because God delights in us and chooses to make himself known through us.

I think this second week will look better than the first.  There are still so many question marks...  the economy going down took away my potential job as a hospital chaplain, so now I've been interviewing at churches here.  There are some interesting options, but nowhere that's the obvious fit.  We get our new house and all our stuff back this Sunday/next Monday, which will be a treat, to have our own space, after living in other people's space out of suitcases for the past month.  I will meet with an infertility doc to talk about our options to become parents, and slowly some of our question marks will be erased.  

In all of this, I am grateful for Los, who's been such a servant to me, and an encourager when I've felt constantly down.  I love him so much for knowing exactly how to be my best friend and strong when I feel massively weak.  I know that God will do a new thing in our lives individually and as a couple in this new season, so here's to having no idea what the future looks like!  Please pray for me:)

Greater Things are Still to Come!

Well, our time in the Northwest has come to a close, we are about to pack up our car and head south, beginning our 10 day road trip to our new home in TX. We went out with a bang, attending the World Tour of Passion in Vancouver last night.

I came up with JJ and Lisa Sunday. It was special to hear how their transition to life in Canada has been. Change is always hard (I know, I am facing it imminently) but it can be life-giving and fruitful and surprising in its goodness. I stayed at their charming apartments and borrowed their car (thanks guys!) for yesterday. When I got downtown to GM Place I met lots of other volunteers, who'd flown up from California, Nashville, Texas, Minnesota and elsewhere to give back to a group that has given so much to them. It was cool to hear other people's stories that aren't too dissimilar from my own. God impacted us hugely through Passion in some way, so here we are to bless the next generation of students...

The two gals I got to know best were both divorced moms. I got to pray over them that greater things are still to come in the unfolding of God's grace in their lives, even if their stories have looked quite different than they would've imagined. There can not be a resurrection without a cross. The cross is painful, but it leads to hope and true life.
I also prayed over these unassuming students, who would fill this empty arena, that God might impact them in a powerful way, as he has us over the past decade.

It was special to see the line of students forming 3 hours prior to doors opening! An arena security guard was baffled by this, "uh, they know they can't get in yet, right?" Yep, yep they do. It was so great to have a concentrated time of prayer for Vancouver and the northwest with people from all over the place.

Staff prayer time, I love the hearts of all the people in this room who have blessed me the past decade. It was fun to serve them the last night of my decade in the northwest.

The view from our volunteer lounge, pretty special. I will carry this night with me for a long time.

The Winds of Change are a Blowin'

I've cried two times this weekend. That's a lot. I can't even remember the last time I cried before this? The first one was when our house went up for sale:) I know it's silly, but I've moved 22 times since I was 18. (I'm shocked to tally this up for the first time!) Having a home (let alone a brand new, clean one with a garden and more space than I knew what to do with) for 3 whole years has been such a blessing. We have had so much fun making it our own, and it has been such a haven for me. It was finished being built right after our honeymoon, so our whole married life has been spent here, and saying goodbye to it will be strange and sad. I feel so connected to it, and want someone to appreciate it as much as we have.

The second time I cried was tonight, saying goodbye to Nick and Lindsay, our dear friends who are moving to Malawi, Africa in about 4 hours (leaving their house at 3am). I've already written a blog about HOW amazing they are, and it is weird to think about them leaving us behind. We're the military people, we're supposed to leave them! It is way harder to be left behind. Almost every memory I have of our life in the Skagit Valley has them in it. They have been our best friends here, ever since the night Nick invited himself over for dinner to tell us about Young Life in the valley. We had only been here maybe a week or two, and hadn't even unpacked all the way! Driving home that night, Nick and Linds said they felt like they had "just gone on a really good date." We became instant friends after that, sharing:
1. B-E high school sports games (both here and at the State Championships)
2. Sakuma Bros. Market
3. Seeds- our favorite restaurant in La Conner
Lots and lots of:
4. Settlers-favorite board game
5. Hand and Foot- favorite card game
6. Riverside Athletic Club (the RAC)
7. Young Life campaigners and a week at Malibu Club in Canada
8. 3 years worth of good meals (including about a billion batches of Lindsay's brownies) and great conversations
9. Shuffleboard at the Edison
10. watching Lost and playing the Wii at their house
11. horseback riding in the Cascades from Nick's dad's house
12. Tulip Festival
13. Berry Dairy Days
14. When we got Burly, he and Allie (their Golden Retriever) fell in love.
15. Painting 3 rooms in our house
16. Playing Scrabble and singing along with iTunes:)

The list could go on and on. We've shared birthdays (we hosted a surprise party for Nick one summer, and they took me to bday dinner this year while Los was in the Middle East), holidays, family (we LOVE Lindsay's parents and Nick's grandparents), and Linds was at my graduation this summer. So much life has been shared together. They are so unpretentious, selfless, fun and wonderful, the kind of people you never get sick of hanging out with. I will miss being neighbors with them. I am so excited for their new adventure in Africa, and of course we plan to visit them, but life will never be the same as this sweet season of 3 years. When we left their house, I cried all the way home, half in sorrow, half in gratitude for the gift their friendship has been to me. The first two years we lived here, when Los was gone 1/2 the time, it was they who cared for me, and invited me over so as to assuage my grief and loneliness. They are great examples to me of the kind of friend I want to be to others. So to Nick and Lindsay I raise my champagne (of course) glass- may your future be as amazing as you are. We love you.

There Goes the Neighborhood

Maybe it’s because I just watched The Dark Knight (newest Batman flick, good one) that I’m feeling a desire to fight injustice. Not organized crime, per se, but that of the broken homes and underage drinking persuasion. Like 13-year-olds ditching school, getting drunk and going to the hospital with alcohol poisoning kind of underage drinking. Last night I was talking to some great neighbors while waiting for Burly to do his business, when a car came screeching up next door to them and a girl ran out of the car and hopped through a bedroom window. Two minutes later her parents showed up to pick her up and were screaming at her in Spanish, b/c she wasn’t supposed to be at Kayla’s house. Little did they know she had been elsewhere. 3 minutes after that my 13-year old neighbor and a bunch of her miscreant posse showed up, open beers in hand (from the car!) This was at 11, the last I saw them was after 3am. No mom in sight.

My heart is sad for her, as she has little role model in her mom. A few months ago, her parents got divorced. A new man was in the house shortly thereafter. As a tight-knit community, our block took it pretty hard. That schism has changed the dynamics of our street some, turning their house into a dysfunctional place where teenagers can do whatever they want. It’s made me think a lot about community and how sad I am that none of us were allowed in to the couple’s lives to know that they were hurting. If we had been, I wonder if being loved from other couples and being given resources could have changed the dynamics or outcome of their situation. Maybe not, but maybe. What makes it so hard for us to tell people when we need help? If it ‘takes a village’ to raise kids, then we need community…

I want to tell Kayla, that at 13 she’s making decisions with boys and drugs that are setting her on a path that isn’t going to lead anywhere positive. She’s already been kicked out of a school, and the friends she’s surrounded herself with are not going to lift her up and inspire her to any kind of greatness in life. Watching her compared to her next door neighbor who’s only one year older is like watching the book of Proverbs’ concepts of wisdom and folly being fleshed out. Wisdom respects her involved parents, has chores, works hard, is honest, does well, and will have the world at her feet when she finishes school. Folly by contrast, does none of the above, and is blown with the winds of peer pressure and erroneous judgment.

We have the power of choice in life, we are not merely recipients of the cards we are dealt. I know a guy from Atlanta who just shared his amazing life story with me. He realized that education was the way out of his broken family, projects life. After high school, he got a full scholarship to Penn and then Harvard Business School, when his mom had just completed 7th grade. He retired at about 40, set for life.

It makes me sad that the path he took is more rare and the path people like Kayla are on is more common. But then again Scripture says ‘broad is the road that leads to destruction and narrow is the road that leads to life.’ I wish life for Kayla, and all her friends. I don’t necessarily know how to communicate this, but I think it starts with the stirring that I feel in my heart.

Call and Response

Another uncomfortable and thought-provoking (i.e. good) topic that's been cropping up in conversation lately is the human trafficking sector(i.e. slavery= bad). We've long been fans of International Justice Mission and Gary Haugen, but recently a few documentaries, articles and benefits that we've heard and read about have been getting attention, such as Invisible Children, Call and Response and Cargo. Please check out the links.

I read an article in Canada yesterday about the situation in China, which has more forced prostitution than ever, ramping up for the Olympics and a flux of international clientele. Even the thought of this makes me sick. The police know about most brothels, yet do nothing about them, since druglords rule the roost. The author of the article hid a video camera and went into a brothel, discovering many small rooms crammed with 20-30 girls and young women, waiting to be selected or rejected. I can't even imagine the devastation that does to a soul.

When we were on the bus to the airport in London, I saw 4 guys looking at a porn mag and I wanted to rip their heads off for objectifying women- and that's with women who choose to model their bodies! I can't even fathom the magnitude of the scale of people who would not choose this path for their lives, but have been forced into it! There are 27 million (at least) slaves in the world today, many of whom are children and women. This is double the amount of people in captivity when Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation.

They have no voices. You do. What will be your response?

Whatever you do for the least of these, you do unto me. -Jesus

Death is not Victorious

So the story behind my story. I didn’t tell the judge, but I will tell you guys. The day I got my ticket was my saddest day on-call at the ICU. I didn’t even really know how to write about it, it made my head spin. Instead, I stopped writing about my time as a chaplain at the hospital all together- not a good thing, but my coping mechanism. Recently, we went out to a great dinner at Quinn’s Pub (highly recommended!!) with our wonderful friend Jodi, who is a therapist. She made me consider illuminating this to get closure on that piece. So here is what I wrote about that day and why my head was elsewhere when I was pulled over:

What is it about when young people die that impacts me more than when older people do? My heart reels- it seems like such tragedy when young lives are lost. This past week I’ve spent time with the family of a 20-year old WWU student. He just thought he had a cold. A COLD!?!? People get those all the time, why would you think twice about it? But then it morphed into pneumonia, and before he asked his buddies for help, it became too late. What is it about our pride that gets in the way of asking for help?

By the time he made it to the hospital, his organs had started shutting down. He looked healthy and handsome, like your average vibrant student… but the inside of him was slowly dying. And what makes me so upset is that it could have been prevented! The value of community is another blog to be written, but augh!!! To see machines keeping him alive was devastating to his friends. They wept at the sight of him; and there’s something about strong, young males weeping that stirred me.
(segue: I’ve only seen my brother cry out of sorrow one time, and it was also at the death of a friend. Why does our culture say it isn’t okay for men to cry? That is ridiculous, because the squelched sorrow usually turns into anger or depression. I am all for free-flowing tears, get the emotion out people!)

By the time Chris’ parents disconnected life-support, 20 people had gathered into their son’s room. People were coping very differently, pacing up and down the hall, wailing and shaking, or frozen numb. His sister’s eyes were flashing with anger and she berated her parents for not matching her level of emotion. Melody, I will never forget her. Her parents are Christians, and although devastated at the loss of their youngest son, they also had a “peace that passes understanding.” Death is not victorious in their mind and while they will miss him like crazy, at least in the hospital, they seemed to have perspective that was a consolation. Melody, on the other hand, doesn’t share their faith, and had nothing to root her, so her powerful emotions were blowing her around with hurricane force.

I tried my best to be strong for her and for them, as well as all of Chris’s friends as they grieved in their varied ways. In all of my time at the hospital, I have never cried with a patient. Some times I would cry on my way home, or later in a day that something powerful happened. But not that day, I had barely stumbled back to my office when I couldn’t hold my sorrow back any longer. That feeling of helplessness just sucks. I imagine that’s something I’ll encounter a lot in parenthood too, people need to go through what they need to go through to grieve, learn, and heal, and there’s nothing you can do to rescue them- it would actually be dangerous and unhealthy to do so.

I hold on to the promise of Jesus’ resurrection, that in the end all things will be made new, and that death does not get the last word. But that only helps so much when you’re watching people writhe in pain. There’s no neat and tidy way to end this blog- it is what it is; and it took me 3 months to even say this much, so I’ll leave it at that. But I will say go hug someone, be intentional with those you love and for God’s sake, TELL someone if you’re not feeling well!

Long, slow, painful death...

I never thought this day would come. I am now realizing that I have to say goodbye to my beloved iBook. This weekend, our friend Carl said, "umm, something is wrong with your computer." The following was a blur, as I was in denial (say is ain't so!), but I'm think he said something like it is the slowest machine he has seen. Ever. And he's a Ph.D. candidate in Computer Science. I trust him. And as the Mac Genius told me last weekend, "well, ma'am (read: IDIOT), mechanical failures are normal, these machines weren't built to last forever." WHAT?! WHY NOT?! I love my iBook. SO WHAT if it's 7 years old?! (which is like, a 100 years old, in technology-speed)

It matters more to me than any other possession I have. We have been through so much together. I've had it since b.c. (before Carlos). We've struggled through 5 YEARS of graduate school together. It has kept me connected to the larger world when my introverted self naturally stays at home hibernating. It, along with my trusty cell phone, has kept me to connected to Carlos when, for half our marriage, he has been overseas. And since we've never had a tv, or stereo, it is my sole source of music and dvd watching. How could it leave me at a time like this?

At many people's prompting, we finally sucked it up and got an external hard drive. I'm in the process of trying to pull everything valuable from my iBook, so when that final fated day comes, I will have made my peace and be prepared to say goodbye. Sigh.

My Grief (Stages) Observed as I Geo-Bach’ once again…

Okay, so I’m ripping off C.S. Lewis’ book title and good ole’ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ work , but I’ve been grieving like a champ this week. Los going back to Iraq came out of nowhere, which is the worst kind of grief. When people have years or months to process things, a death, a change, whatever- it seems to allow for grace and the space needed to adjust. My neighbor had 18 months with her husband, knowing she’d have to say goodbye for the six months following. Not me, I had two days. NOT EVEN 48 hours! He was supposed to be home for good. Augh… Enter the stages:

1. Denial- this can’t be happening to me! To us! We had plans, my birthday’s coming up, and spring break. And we’ve never been together for our anniversary-isn’t that enough sacrifice for our country?! Dammit…

2. Anger- this is the stage where I said things unfit for a pastor-to-be. But then again, most pastors I know are fans of emoting, whatever that might look (or sound) like. This is also the stage in which I said if I ever met the guy who “had to take leave” and come home (hence, Los replacing him) I would punch him in the throat. In a more sane moment, I decided I would first ask if he had a good reason for coming home before said throat-punching.

3. Bargaining- This is where I scrambled to figure out what we could do before he left and he scrambled to get the latest flight out of CONUS as possible. We had so many “to-do’s” on our “we’ll get around to it eventually” list. Why do we do this? Why don’t we go for what we want, and do what we need to do, rather than put it off for tomorrow? I realize this is an existential question I’m not going to solve now, but people, we need to take Timmy McGraw’s advice and live like we’re dying here!

4. Depression- This is where I’ve been today. I dropped Los off at Sea-Tac wicked early, then ran/walked Burly around Green Lake in the rain, feeling sorry for myself and wondering how it was possible for there to be any joy in the world when I felt like this... I had no hood on, my curls were dripping in my eyes, I didn’t care. By the end I looked pretty pathetic/awesome. Then I went and bought comfort food at the grocery store (Sunmaid Raisin Bread, citrus fruit and Fudgsicles- yeah, random, I know). Then I curled up with my puggybear and we watched chick flicks on the couch all afternoon.

5. Acceptance- getting back on the proverbial horse. I’ve been avoiding my bedroom since this morning. I always do this when Los leaves- I do anything not to go in our bedroom and look at the bed where I will, once again, have to sleep alone. Hearing Carlos’ breath and feeling his heartbeat is just about, if not my favorite thing on earth. Not to have that is devastating; like half of me has been ripped away.
But tomorrow morning will come, the sun will rise, and it will be a new day. I will go to work in Bellingham, and have a good time. This weekend I’ll play Settler’s, go to school, have a meal and laugh with the Kissinger’s. As the days tick away, all will go on and be well. And God will be faithful to carry me, as he has unfailingly to this point. As my friends’ new tattoo says, “Do not fear! For I am with you.” It’s a good promise to cling to when we can’t see what is going on in this thing called life.
(but just for the record, don’t get me wrong, this still sucks, and I’m still pissed that we have to go through it- that’s the great part about these stages, you can be all over the place at once.)