Awkward Change

I never finished posts about our trip across the country.  My goal is to do that today, but so far I have been in a funk, no kidding, since we crossed the Texas border line.  Reality set in that we weren't just on an epic 3,000 mile roadtrip.  No, no, we were moving to this new foreign land that quite frankly has nothing on the west coast in terms of beauty.  I grew up right by the Sierras and Yosemite, then in college moved to a place that is gorgeous with water and mountains (albeit rainy) daily.  Moving to a land of hot, dusty brown flat terrain is less than ideal.  My heart sunk as this reality set in, and I felt deep within me the need to cry it out.  Like full on sob, grieving what I lose (not only natural beauty, but deep friendships and closeness to at least one set of family) in moving here.  I have tried on multiple occasions the past week to cry, but tears won't come, so thus far I just feel stuck in sadness, loneliness and depression.

Needless to say, it's been a brutal transition, and that's not easy for me to admit or write about.  I want to be the positive adventure gal that is fired up about everything.  Instead I feel like the Psalmist lamenting in misery to God.  I have been sleeping a lot, and emotionally down when I'm awake.  I'm trying to make choices to exercise (walking the beach, etc. which is pretty cool) and eat well, and to reframe life.  I don't want to stay stuck in my self-induced pity party.  But at least for my first week here, that's where I've been.

Life is just going to look very different here.  Slow.  Which feels unfamiliar after the past 3 years of graduate school and traveling like crazy, and having tons of people to spend quality time with.  I have felt purposeless here, which is an awful feeling.  And untrue- we aren't purposeful because of what we can check off of our to-do lists.  We are purposeful because God delights in us and chooses to make himself known through us.

I think this second week will look better than the first.  There are still so many question marks...  the economy going down took away my potential job as a hospital chaplain, so now I've been interviewing at churches here.  There are some interesting options, but nowhere that's the obvious fit.  We get our new house and all our stuff back this Sunday/next Monday, which will be a treat, to have our own space, after living in other people's space out of suitcases for the past month.  I will meet with an infertility doc to talk about our options to become parents, and slowly some of our question marks will be erased.  

In all of this, I am grateful for Los, who's been such a servant to me, and an encourager when I've felt constantly down.  I love him so much for knowing exactly how to be my best friend and strong when I feel massively weak.  I know that God will do a new thing in our lives individually and as a couple in this new season, so here's to having no idea what the future looks like!  Please pray for me:)