Mariage and Divorce: Holding on to Hope

There was some song in the 90s that had the lyrics "Joy and Pain, Sunshine and Rain" (I think they included a "pump it up, pump it up!" if you recall). That's where I am this week. Two special friends just got engaged and are glowing, couldn't be happier to spend their lives together. They asked us to stand up in their wedding with them, we could not be more honored to do that, and we're thrilled to walk alongside them, and they us, for this season of life in S. Texas and whatever future seasons we may have near them.

There's some scripture about sharing in the joys of some and the sorrows of others. Simultaneously, as one couple of friends is joining, another couple of our friends are contemplating ending their marriage, and for them my heart is wrenched. I wish I could say that this is the first time I've known people my age to get divorced, but that's far from the truth, even in my 20s. I'm a product of divorce too, so I know the damage it causes kids intimately. It devastates me that over half of today's marriages end in divorce. I'm not saying that in every circumstance it should be avoided, but how flippantly people can treat something so destructive is the dangerous part.

For Christians, marriage is a covenant relationship, not just a contract that you enter into for a time, to get out when the going gets tough; yet that's how we often treat it. We promise "for better and worse." God's covenant faithfulness to us never ends, yet our commitment to each other is all too often thrown out the window in favor of self-preservation, a natural (but not always Biblical) instinct. The problem with the promise we make in our weddings is, that when we say the words for better or worse, we never imagine that WORSE will come. All we can imagine is the BETTER. Maybe we theoretically believe that worse could come, but the form of it always takes us by surprise. Maybe we are devastated. Maybe we are betrayed. Some mix of pain and anger consumes us, and trust is lost; even worse, hope is lost. And that is deadly.

Comparison is never helpful, but I know that Los and I haven't had as easy of a marriage as some, nor as hard of a marriage as others, so I can't imagine the pain some of my friends have felt or currently feel, as they wade through the muck and mire that was once their hope and dreams. I don't know how their situation will end. All I know is that I watched their mouths utter the words for better or worse, and that makes me feel responsible to lift them up in their pain and fight for their marriage, for reconciliation. For redemption, for resurrection from death to life. We don't have to rest on our own strength, God's word promises to make us new creations, if we'll let God transform us (through God's word, yeah, but also through counseling, and good community.) I believe that if their hearts would be soft and repentant, and if they could extend the grace (that God extends to us first!!) they have received to their partner, who badly needs it; then hope is not lost. It is right to feel betrayed and wronged when you have been, absolutely, you deserve something/someone better, absolutely. But that doesn't mean that can't be with the spouse you have promised forever to. Maybe I am wrong not to validate the desire for divorce in this circumstance, but unless their pride and self-preservation proves me otherwise, I'm going to hold on to this hope, that God will do a new thing in their lives, and rebuild what has been shattered. Please join me from afar, in prayer, for my friends in Seattle.

I've been listening to a song by my favorite artist, David Crowder, a lot. The lyrics are a lot of my prayer, that God is with us from the beginning til the end and can meet us in the midst our pain/wounds and repair what has been destroyed in our hearts. May we all be made new. Enjoy.

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pain (Los' first blog)

If you are not familiar with ben towne and his cancer, case and i urge you to make some time and read about his life. the following is a link to his blog.. find it here.

For any parent who has ever loved their kid, or any person who has ever loved anyone for that matter, this story will wrench your heart.

Awkward Change

I never finished posts about our trip across the country.  My goal is to do that today, but so far I have been in a funk, no kidding, since we crossed the Texas border line.  Reality set in that we weren't just on an epic 3,000 mile roadtrip.  No, no, we were moving to this new foreign land that quite frankly has nothing on the west coast in terms of beauty.  I grew up right by the Sierras and Yosemite, then in college moved to a place that is gorgeous with water and mountains (albeit rainy) daily.  Moving to a land of hot, dusty brown flat terrain is less than ideal.  My heart sunk as this reality set in, and I felt deep within me the need to cry it out.  Like full on sob, grieving what I lose (not only natural beauty, but deep friendships and closeness to at least one set of family) in moving here.  I have tried on multiple occasions the past week to cry, but tears won't come, so thus far I just feel stuck in sadness, loneliness and depression.

Needless to say, it's been a brutal transition, and that's not easy for me to admit or write about.  I want to be the positive adventure gal that is fired up about everything.  Instead I feel like the Psalmist lamenting in misery to God.  I have been sleeping a lot, and emotionally down when I'm awake.  I'm trying to make choices to exercise (walking the beach, etc. which is pretty cool) and eat well, and to reframe life.  I don't want to stay stuck in my self-induced pity party.  But at least for my first week here, that's where I've been.

Life is just going to look very different here.  Slow.  Which feels unfamiliar after the past 3 years of graduate school and traveling like crazy, and having tons of people to spend quality time with.  I have felt purposeless here, which is an awful feeling.  And untrue- we aren't purposeful because of what we can check off of our to-do lists.  We are purposeful because God delights in us and chooses to make himself known through us.

I think this second week will look better than the first.  There are still so many question marks...  the economy going down took away my potential job as a hospital chaplain, so now I've been interviewing at churches here.  There are some interesting options, but nowhere that's the obvious fit.  We get our new house and all our stuff back this Sunday/next Monday, which will be a treat, to have our own space, after living in other people's space out of suitcases for the past month.  I will meet with an infertility doc to talk about our options to become parents, and slowly some of our question marks will be erased.  

In all of this, I am grateful for Los, who's been such a servant to me, and an encourager when I've felt constantly down.  I love him so much for knowing exactly how to be my best friend and strong when I feel massively weak.  I know that God will do a new thing in our lives individually and as a couple in this new season, so here's to having no idea what the future looks like!  Please pray for me:)

Rock and Roll

WHAT did I just get myself into... Oh boy...


Here goes nothing!

Pray for my neck and my back

So last night, almost asleep, I walked down the stairs and tripped over Burly. So we both fell down the stairs. After I figured out I hadn't broken his leg, I laid there and cried, it hurt so bad. My wrists/elbows/ribs/spine/neck... all feel like I'm a hockey player or something. Today I am super stiff/sore. Nothing's broken, praise God, but I need to go to a chiropractor quickly... Pray that I get better soon, I have 3 exams due in the next week, I don't have time to be in so much pain.

This is my third time being careless in the past month. First I burnt my finger, sticking it in the oven on to a 400 degree pan... 2nd degree burn. Not good. Then I was gardening and dropped my clippers, sharp points down on to my big toe this weekend. Blood gushed everywhere. Unbelieveable. So if bad things happen in 3's I should be in the clear; but in any case, pray for my neck/back. Meanwhile, I'm gonna get an IV of Ibuprofen:)

Virginia Tech and HOPE

Free EP at www.hopeforthehokies.com

Pass it on to those you know who need a glimpse of hope after this devastation