I used to try to decide, and I would ask people, which is worse: to love someone you can’t be with, or to want to love someone, but not have a relationship? When I was single, I thought it was the latter, but now I’m reconsidering. Today is Carlos’ 28th birthday, and he is half-way around the world on deployment… Again.
He was supposed to come home a week ago, but the government had other plans for him. My heart is sad… I missed our first Christmas, his birthday and our first anniversary last year, and now I’m missing our second. I didn’t know I signed up for this☹ And I thought maybe it would get easier… Yeah, it doesn’t.
I was trying to plan a big celebration this year, since we didn’t get one last year. I wanted to go to Hawaii (to also go to a friend’s wedding). Then I thought we should stay in WA, and go to an awesome resort, go white-water rafting, kayaking and horseback riding. Or I thought maybe we’d go to the fantastic hotel we stayed at our wedding night (across the parking lot from the best restaurant in Washington, and next to the Red Hook brewery and the Chateau Ste. Michelle winery.) None of my plans came to fruition.
Sigh. I am not very good at grieving the loss of him. I either busy myself at home (I planted 53 things in one day, with my mom’s help!!), or avoid home like crazy… I just hate looking over at his side of the bed when he’s not there. Having Burly helps a ton, but no pet is a replacement of your true companion. I immediately planned a trip to Texas when I learned of his change of plans. I was all set to go ahead when Los called me out on avoiding reality.
Dangit. How do you do it? How do you tell your heart just keep waiting? The definition of patience is long suffering. I believe it. There’s something beautiful about it, because it keeps my heart in the right place, longing for his. But it is also like torture. I love the Navy, for all it has unexpectedly brought into and provided for our lives (the people, the places, the Kingdom of God in surprising ways); but this is certainly the hardest part. I am proud of Los, and glad his heart is for service. But Godspeed October when I can wrap my arms around that guy… (it doesn’t help that my ‘love languages’ are quality time and physical touch, eh?)
Holler at me if you have free time, I am available☺
1 comment:
My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you are going through. jay and I had a brief long distance relationship and it was very hard. We realized that the only positive that came out of it is our communication. We are very good at communicating now with each other and really understanding the other's perspective. So if you can find that one positive and hold on to it.
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