Pregnancy Schizophrenia and Tattoos

When I found out I was pregnant, no one told me not to be attached to my due date. So rather than putting my weight down on June 3 or 5, I even went as far as telling myself Claire was coming in May. Then May ended, and I was bummed. For a pretty superficial reason (I wanted her to be able to bring cupcakes to her classroom and to be sang to on her day), but I was bummed nonetheless.

I'm not sure schizophrenia is the proper term, in fact, it probably isn't; but I have felt like I had a split-personality lately. In week 38 I was positive I wanted to induce 10 days early, as early as the doc would let me:) Then Los and I talked and I took that stance back. It felt a little bit like we were trying to play God to pick her birthdate and force it to be early. "Okay, let's wait to her due date to induce," was plan b... However, when we reached that mark, I had started to lean toward letting Claire stay inside as long as she wanted... After all, what if she's small and needed the extra time to grow? We were hoping for an 8 lb. baby, and she certainly wouldn't have been if we'd taken her out early. That is, if the sonographers were right (she was predicted to be right at 7.5 lbs from her bone measurements).

Now at 41 weeks I don't want to be induced, I am not that uncomfortable and don't mind her hanging out inside a bit longer, but now the OB is saying it's time to get the show on the road. Funny how we've switched places from me asking her and her hesitating to me hesitating at her request:)

This is me at 41 weeks preggo. I never thought I would get to this place, but my due date came and went this past week, and apparently my body and Claire have zero interest in parting ways. Unfortunately for both of them, my doctor does have an interest in us parting ways. So since I have not progressed at all and am almost a week past due, we are going to induce TOMORROW. Woah. I am the highest candidate for a c-section possible, so that is a bummer... Let's hope that my body takes to the stuff it is given and progresses tomorrow night and Tuesday!


So this may be the last post- pre our family expanding... We have had a sweet time together, enjoying all these "extra" days before life as we know it changes... We've slept in, been to movies (UP and The Hangover), we've been out to eat multiple times, I got a pedicure (pink!) and massage, we've organized the crap out of our house (all those projects we were saving for "some day" got done), and we've had fun with Burly at the beach, see below. Also, Los took the first step of his long-time goal of inking himself. He took the monogram Joel designed for our wedding and had it put on his heart. When he first told me about wanting a tattoo, I was super anti, but over the years the idea has grown on me to the point that I was as excited as he was. It looks great and I like how meaningful it is.




Whenever Burly thinks we're leaving somewhere and he has to stay behind, he flops down like this and won't move, it is so funny. Sometimes (if it's on carpet) I literally push him with my feet and he stays flopped over like that.


But he LOVES going to the beach, the water is his favorite thing and he loves to run around like a maniac. We have enjoyed sunsets at the beach a lot lately, knowing that we won't get to do that for a little bit once Claire is here.





So wish us luck, pray for us, and we'll see you on the flip side of parenthood! And p.s. yes, it's legal to park on the beach here, everyone does. And yes, I find that very strange. But there's nowhere else to park!

Pregnancy Amnesia

I've heard that in labor and delivery, you not only push out a little person, but also your brain, which is what makes moms so forgetful. On the one hand, I've heard it's humbling to forget things that used to be ingrained in your memory, on the other hand, I've read that it's good to forget the pain we go through, or no mom would ever get pregnant a second time. So at 38 weeks, before I totally lose my mind; I thought I'd write an account of what pregnancy has been like for me:

*week 0- Our 3rd wedding Anniversary in September
*week 7-8- feeling a little "off" hormonally, but thought it was depression b/c of our x-c move
Things I did that I maybe/probably shouldn't have during pregnancy: drink wine, tequila, vodka, etc., take steroids (in my eye!) that cause birth defects, eat sushi/soft cheeses/deli meat, rides at amusement parks, skiing black diamonds in CO, and others I'm sure I'm forgetting (probably best).
*week 9-10- feeling acid reflux-y, went to 2 docs, was told I have an ulcer, then GERD. Meat/fish aversion also started; I've gotten protein from dairy/nuts mostly.
*week 10- 3rd doc confirmed pregnancy, heard heartbeat that day, weird. I was in shock. Went to the library, checked out a few books.
*week 11-16- shock gave way to nausea, I puked 1x/week but felt gross daily- things that made me sick: the smell of meat, Burly, Los, brushing my teeth, spitting and sight of mold. I normally love to cuddle with Burly, I couldn't stand the smell of him for over a month. It was very sad.
Also during this time, my sense of smell was on overdrive (lame superpower)- going to the grocery store was almost intolerable b/c of the bombardment of smells.
*week 16-17- first felt baby kick
*week 18- had a minor freak out that "life as we know it is about to be over!" We took an impromptu BabyMoon to CO and skied Crested Butte, one of the most gorgeous places I've ever been. This is also the last place I threw up.
*week 19- started to wear 2 pairs of maternity pants, which I later returned.
*week 21- found out it was a girl, named her Claire, and finally felt excited for the first time about this new season of life.
*week 23- started having Round Ligament Pains on long walks, scary at first, then I got used to them.
*week 25- bought maternity clothes and started to wear them, though I still wear my own clothes too.
*week 26- started having to pee way more, sleep being interrupted- sad. Also sound sensitivity started.
*week 29-30- travelled to west coast via plane, feet swelled for the first time, that was alarming. Realized the importance of hydration/elevation.
*week 31- Claire much more active, to point of watching her move inside my skin. Felt like a little alien in the tummy.
*week 32- face getting more oily and stretch marks came- NOT a fan of either!! Another sucky thing was that my calves started to hurt after sleeping/not moving enough, Los was kind enough to squeeze them occasionally when they bugged me.
*week 35-36- starting to get less comfortable, feeling pelvic pressure, and stopped going on long walks, 1 mile is fine with me now. Also started randomly losing my breath since my diaphragm is being squished.
*week 36- feet swelled for the second time. I fell and cut/bruised my leg/hip badly. And my not-friend, reflux, came back. Also, we built her nursery furniture the past couple of weeks.
*week 37-38- hands/thumbs have started to hurt in my sleep (carpal tunnel or circulation?) and I said goodbye to my wedding rings at week 38. Boo. Also we just put her carseat in the car! Now I feel legit, bring it on.

I'm sure I am forgetting some things, but this is all I can think of right now. Largely, it's been an uneventful pregnancy; the transitions/pains I've felt have all been pretty standard. The only interesting thing was when the sonographers couldn't find Claire's left hand- I was sad about that for a few weeks, but then they found it. My pain tolerance has increased some, but I've also had an easier time than some, with no abnormal things to watch out for, which we're grateful for. My blood pressure has stayed the same the entire time and weight gain was negligible the first trimester. I gained 5 lbs. by week 20, another 15 by week 30, and 5 in the past 8 weeks. I was afraid of gaining a lot of weight, but am glad mostly I have just craved fruit/ice water during the pregnancy. I did have a couple weeks where I wanted ice cream/popsicles (sugar) and pickles/chips (salt), but those subsided quickly. Some women stressed me out about physical ailments/bed rest during pregnancy- but thankfully that hasn't been the case for me. Now I am just spending time "nesting," getting our house ready and Claire's nursery ready, and soon I will be packing my hospital bag, since Claire already weighs over 6.5lbs. and her due date is in 2 short weeks.

Pregnancy/Life Update from the world's worst blogger

In my mind I think about blogging. But when it comes time to sit down and do it, I just don't make the time. Sorry folks. But most of you are on Facebook by now, so I don't feel bad, you still have access to our lives, stories, and photos, just in a different venue. But for the 2 or 3 of you who've yet to join that time-sucking social networking tool, here are some photos of my pregnancy and the past 3 months of our lives. I finally took them off our camera to share them.
PHOTOS
It has been a busy, glorious, tragic time... I don't even know where I left off, so where to begin... Our trips west were amazing. Seeing friends/family, visiting places we love, eating food we like, etc. were all such treats. It was hard to come back to TX. But April zoomed by as we got Claire's nursery ready and read way too many books on what the heck to do with her when she comes. I had another baby shower here 2 weeks ago, and we have practically everything we need, which is nice.

Los loves his job, and has had great opportunities to fly and invest in younger guys here, both work related and otherwise. We love the squadron we are a part of, it's a great community, and are enjoying lots of times with others (sharing meals, game nights, watching our minor league baseball team play, and yesterday I think there were something like 8 teams of 6 members each that completed the Beach to Bay Relay Marathon; Los' team got a 3:02- really fast, considering that 4 miles were on sand!) Friendships are growing down here, which is great; and we love living down the street from Kiesh/Dave the newlyweds. Our other great neighbor friends Gabe and Meredith are people we see/love a lot too. Gabe was in a (car-totalling) gnarly car accident 2 weeks ago, and should have died; but miraculously, his life was spared. We've spent some good time with them and he is doing so much better, and will get to see their baby boy be born in 3 months, amen! While visiting him in the Emergency Dept. I felt nostalgic about my time last year as an ICU/ED chaplain. I don't know if that will be part of my future, but I missed it. I think working part-time preaching will probably be all I do the next two years, but we'll see.

Lastly, our pregnancy is almost over. We're excited about that, I'm bored by pregnancy; I feel like I endure it as a means to an end, but not really enjoy it. Lots of women I know LOVE being pregnant. I am not one of those people, and I am okay with that. I don't hate it either, but I feel like I put up with it more than relish in it. It's annoying to me when people talk to me, that's the first/sometimes only thing they want to ask about. I know their hearts are in a good place, I just don't always want to talk about it. At least they don't rub my tummy:) Only a few gals do that. At 38 weeks, I'm not too physically uncomfortable to be miserable, in that regard Claire could stay inside for months and I wouldn't mind. She has not over-stayed her welcome, she has never kicked me in the ribs, or anything like that.

I'm just bored; on with it already, let's get the show on the road. I feel grateful that I haven't gained too much weight, and am still able to sleep on my stomach, and do most everything I would otherwise, but after all the reading and nursery-preparing we've done, we just want to hang out with Claire; waiting for her to come out is getting old. AND, though I haven't had physical issues with pregnancy, 2 weeks ago at a squadron event, wives got to go in the planes and taxi them around the runway. This was SO much FUN (it is harder than it looks! did you know you steer a plane with your feet?!) BUT, when I was climbing out of the pilot's seat, I lost my balance (thank you bowling ball/dead weight attached to my front) and fell- splitting open my pants and leg, bleeding everywhere on the plane, awesome. I have a bruise the length of my shin bones and my scabs are going to leave a memorable scar. My hip also was hurt, and I'd like to get an MRI asap to see if any ligament damage was sustained; but this has to wait for Claire to come out. So in that regard, it will be nice to carry less weight around:) I don't want to complain too much, since it could be WAY worse- my friend Jodi tore her ACL/MCL/PCL and cartilege, just had knee surgery this week; I am grateful to be as mobile as I am at 38 weeks, even with this stupid injury. I just want to heal.

So that's the big update. Maybe I'll take some nursery photos and throw them up here. Everything else should be visible in that photo album I posted; let me know if you can't access it for whatever reason. Hopefully I'll get back to blogging semi-regularly soon. After all, I hear that new parents rarely sleep, this could give me something productive to do:)

Resurrection reflection (Mary Magdalene)

Here's something I wrote at this time two years ago. According to my stat counter, people from all over the world (Australia, England) are reading this this week. So in honor of Easter, I just thought I'd throw it back up there- it's from the point of view of Mary Magdalene. Be blessed.
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“Mary.” Hearing that one simple word, my name, changed everything. To be honest, I was crying so hysterically when I first saw him that I didn’t even recognize him! I thought he was the gardener. The gardener! Didn’t he teach that he was “the vine and his Father was the gardener?” Well God, I guess he is looking more and more like you the longer I know him.

When he said my name, all the confusion and chaos of the past couple of days came to a halt. All of a sudden my identity felt secure and affirmed. I never pictured Jesus going about things this way, but there he was, alive, and once again, helping me understand truth. He calls me by name, he calls us by name, he meets each of us where we are, and has the power to restore everything that’s broken.

In any case, I had been so upset because I thought maybe someone had stolen his body. Everything that had happened the past couple of days was almost unbearably heart-wrenching. Seeing my teacher, my friend, up there on the cross was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Perfection sandwiched between criminals. Dying a humiliating death in front of people who persecuted him up until he gave up his last breath. Why did it have to be like that? He used to hint about this, but it was too cryptic for me to imagine what was really going to happen.

And there was an earthquake as he died. It was as though the earth was grieving the loss as well. I couldn’t tell which was louder, the chasms being split open on the ground, or the crashing happening inside my heart. Both were devastating. That morning was so dark. The clouds that came over the sun came over my spirit as well.

And then I was supposed to prepare for Sabbath? Yeah right. I felt angry, I felt restless, I felt out-of-control; the last thing I wanted to do was be still. There was no peace to be found this week. I stayed as long as I could outside the tomb. His mom and I and some others reminisced about Jesus’ impact on our lives. I don’t know if it was good or bad to do, since it made us all the more grieved.

I remembered the state I was in when he first found me. I was a mess. I usually don’t like to think about the demons that haunted me, but for a long time they were all I knew. They kind of ‘defined’ me. I believed a lot of lies about myself back then. When Jesus came into my life, he got rid of all of them. I didn’t have the power to do that on my own, and believe me, I had tried lots of ways to seek peace before meeting him.

Go figure, he was the only way to true peace. And he still is. When I was crying in the garden and he came to me, and said my name, I felt a surge of joy run up through my body. I hadn’t felt that in days, and I grabbed him, wanting to be as close as possible.
He said I couldn’t hold on to him, though. That he wasn’t staying. He was going to be with his Father, and told me to tell everyone about him. So that’s what I do now. I tell people, like you, about Jesus. I tell of his teachings, and how he changed my life. And the joy and peace I have now can’t be shaken. He is alive. And he calls me by name.

What's Good about Good Friday?

There can be no joy of Easter without the pain of today; no resurrection without death. Here is some of the text of my favorite sobering hymn for today, expressing our depth of gratitude; I fell in love with this text in college a decade ago. It was written 1000 years ago by St. Bernard of Clairvaux. For those of you taking notes, I would like this to be sung at my funeral.


O sacred Head, now wounded, with grief and shame weighed down,
Now scornfully surrounded with thorns, Thine only crown;
O sacred Head, what glory, what bliss till now was Thine!
Yet, though despised and gory, I joy to call Thee mine.

What Thou, my Lord, hast suffered, was all for sinners’ gain;
Mine, mine was the transgression, but Thine the deadly pain.
Lo, here I fall, my Savior! ’Tis I deserve Thy place;
Look on me with Thy favor, vouchsafe to me Thy grace.

What language shall I borrow to thank Thee, dearest friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow, Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever, and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never outlive my love to Thee.

My Shepherd, now receive me; my Guardian, own me Thine.
Great blessings Thou didst give me, O source of gifts divine.
Thy lips have often fed me with words of truth and love;
Thy Spirit oft hath led me to heavenly joys above.

Be Thou my consolation, my shield when I must die;
Remind me of Thy passion when my last hour draws nigh.
Mine eyes shall then behold Thee, upon Thy cross shall dwell,
My heart by faith enfolds Thee. Who dieth thus dies well.

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There's an Alien in my Tummy (and other ramblings)

Lo siento friends, for the blogging lapse; after our WA trip, I was WIPED OUT. It's taken me a while to get back on the horse... A lot of noteworthy things have transpired and we've taken some photos to share, so hopefully I'll get to that soon! Maybe even today... But in the meantime, I thought you may want to know that little Claire Evans is officially huge. Now people I don't know make comments to me about being preggo. Finally! I only have 56 days to go. (I tell her feel free to come early, though...) She is unfortunately a night owl like her mom, and is up and at 'em from 11pm-1am and again 4am-6am, which makes sleeping for me somewhat problematic. At between 3-4 lbs. we can now see her moving all over the place under my skin (which kind of makes me want to puke, but it's cool). We've started keeping a journal to give to her (either when she gets married, or preggo, or graduates from something, we don't know); and that has been fun to write in. We tell her our hopes, prayers, fears, all kinds of stuff; and are having other family and important people write in it as well. Hopefully it won't get lost, and will be meaningful to her when we give it to her...
Other than that... let's see, my legs are starting to hurt a bit more these days. I have to stretch and walk daily, or else they feel weird. Luckily I still feel okay to walk a couple miles a day, though it's getting hotter outside (80s every day), so that's a new factor, as Burly and I pant our way through the golf course:) And the worst thing is I've started to get STRETCH MARKS on my tummy. Not very excited about that!
On other fronts, her nursery still has yet to come together, but she is starting to have a little wardrobe, since people have been very generous toward her. Our goal this month is to get the furniture and bedding and glider all situated. So many decisions to make, I get really overwhelmed. My current quandary is an issue we're revisiting, the car seat and stroller issue. In Seattle, because of the REI 20% off sale, we bought a BOB jogging stroller and are stoked about that. But in regards to a light "mall" stroller, we'll have to figure that out; current candidates are the Bugaboo, the Maclaren, the Peg Perego... who knows. And unless we get an SUV, no car seat sounds super ideal. And last I checked, we weren't getting an SUV. So we'll figure this all out, I'm sure, but these are the things that weigh on my mind, oh yeah, besides the fact that we have no idea what we're getting ourselves into with this whole parenting gig.:) We're reading a lot of books right now, on labor/delivery and infants: eating, sleeping, crying, activity, vaccines, etc. all the good stuff. I know a lot of parenthood will be trial and error (humbling to think!), but at least this feels educational, stuff we've never thought about before!
We'll report back soon:)

The Glorious Golden State

The rest of the past week confirmed in our hearts just a little bit more how much we want to live in CA some day. The green rolling hills with wildflowers galore, the outdoor living that is year-round, the peacefulness of the ocean, Eucalyptus and Redwood groves and countryside juxtaposed with the stimulation of the cities- it was a great week. We can't wait to go back in December, and see Yosemite in the winter again, this time with our babe (who will have to borrow snow gear, we're not buying it in hot TX!) My mom came over on my birthday and we spent hours at the nation's best aquarium at Monterey Bay. If you don't have the funds to fly to the Caribbean or the Great Barrier Reef in Australia; seriously, this is a great alternative. It reminded me of fieldtrips I took there in grade school, petting the Rays, starfish, and so forth. Such a neat, interactive place for kids to be engaged. We'll definitely bring Claire there some day.

Tuesday I rented a bike (only $8/24 hours- military hookup!) and rode along the waters' edge with countless other runners/walkers/cyclists. There are a lot of hard-core athletes in the area (makes sense, it is gorgeous), but at 30 weeks preggo, trust me, I was content just beach-cruising my way down the trail:) I also bought Claire a journal, that we have started writing in, and will give to her at some point. (high school graduation? marriage? who knows) Wednesday I walked on Carmel's beach again and went shopping- though let's be honest, there's no way we are crazy enough, nor could we afford a $137 sweater for a newborn, that she would wear once, then grow out of. Carmel babies are in a league above us, that's for sure! But it was fun to look. Thursday I got to see my brother for the first time in 2 years, that was cool. His flight home from Australia aligned perfectly with our week in CA, fortuitous, since he's about to head to Germany for their season. He has not really lived in America for a while now, so it was fun to see him. I hope he will be able to be in Claire's life some day. Friday we said goodbye to the central coast and headed up to the Flory's house in the Bay Area, to meet their new babe, Ingrid, 10 weeks. She's amazing. We hope she and Claire can be besties some day!! Our time there was much too short, as we zoomed off to the San Francisco airport Saturday morn. We tried to get bumped again, to stay another day, but no such luck. Bay Area, we will be back!! Just you wait!!

After 3 nights in our own bed, lots of snuggling with Puggy, and a couple loads of laundry, not even unpacking entirely, we are now in the CC airport, ready to board our next flight to Seattle. Last trip we take before little c is born. Pray that my legs don't swell like they did on Saturday! That was creepy, never happened before! I will post photos soon, but wheels up in 20 minutes!

SuperNanny and other Resources- HELP US, PARENTS!

We have no idea how to be good parents. Like zero. We think we will be good parents, but really, we have no experience in this realm. Foreign territory. Babysitting here and there, nannying in college for good, disciplined, older kids is NOT the same as the journey we are about to embark on in 2 months with baby Claire. This has never really alarmed me until the past 3 hours when we both wanted to strangle the little maniac sitting (un)fortunately RIGHT BEHIND us on the plane to TX. I'm not just talking about kicks in the back, here, folks. From the moment we got on the plane, when he was screaming ad nauseum, "I WANT a TOY, GIVE ME that car, I WANT a DRINK, I WANT a SNACK!!!!!!!!"" everyone within earshot of him said, "You know what we want? We want duct tape..." THEN he ran down the aisle away from his mom. Great. And to bribe him back to the seat, he was given candy and juice. SUGAR!!!!! JUST what he needed to calm right down. UNbelievable. And his mom said to me, "I wonder why he hasn't taken his nap yet?" You wonder?! He is so spooled up, even with earplugs his piercing voice has been plaguing me the past 3 hours. He has been tearing pages out of books, hitting his mom, you name it, little Everett has tried it, totally dominating his mom. Los is biting his fingernails in stress and I am freaking out, because we only imagine Claire as angelic. What if her tendency is to be demonic as well? What do we do? How do you discipline and give good boundaries? Neither of us had a model that would be helpful to us now growing up (his was more strict than we'd like, mine was more lenient than we'd like) so we need some advice. That's where you come in.
We just left our great friends, the Flory's, who are already 2.5 months into being awesome parents. They showed us some cool books they have used as resources, and I thought I would ask you all in blog-dom as well; what are tools you've used and read to become great parents of great infants and toddlers. Do tell, oh wise ones. We are all ears!

Hello, my name is Casey, and I am addicted to California.

I fell in love with my homestate all over again our first day back. "There's NO place like home!" I feel like a regular Dorothy, exclaiming this from practically the moment we stepped off the plane until the moment I went to bed last night. I realize that I could lose most all of my friends/readers by throwing out the superlatives I want to right now, so please filter this email through your sensibilities and see it in light of what it is, someone who feels like they've been walking through the desert for a season, and has finally found oasis. TX is our desert. It is dry, flat and unstimulating to us; and while some (MANY) people love it so much, they wish it could secede from the union and become its own country again, for us, it is a season to endure (a la the Israelites) to get to the Promiseland, which in our mind, would be here. Trust me, I know my ego is so big about my homestate that it's amazing I can fit my huge head through a doorframe. So if this blog is annoying, I apologize. I usually try to be very globally-minded, and roll my eyes at people who are super nationalistic, wearing red, white and blue everything, and praising America to the high heavens, thinking its the best country ever. So I understand that that is exactly how I am about to sound. I'm sorry. But just as everyone wants to feel some sense of "HOME", and knows what it's like to "come home" after being away, the comfort, the peace, the joy, the familiarity, etc. that comes with a sense of "home," that is how our souls feel today. We may have 2 plus years left in our desert, but we are getting a taste of the promiseland, to remind us what there is to hope for on the other side of the desert.

And as an aside, the desert isn't so bad of a place to be, don't get me wrong! I love TX, it's great. The people we've built community with, the slow pace of life, the ability to have careers we like and start our family, as well as live in a gorgeous home in a neighborhood we enjoy, trust me, these are all things we are grateful for. When the Israelites were in the desert for 40 years, they had deep friendships, got married, had children, and I'm sure they had fond memories of that season, in ways, once it was over. We will have the same, life is good there. It just isn't home.

And when we stepped off the plane in San Francisco, we started to remember what home feels like, and that elation has felt like a drug that has kept me high for the past 24 hours. No kidding, I walked off that plane smiling like an idiot, and I haven't been able to wipe that smile off my face ever since then. Los said I should be the governator of CA (Lord knows we need a new one!) because he thinks no one loves CA as much as I do. I don't know about that:) but if you ever need a tour guide, I'm your woman. When we were landing, our breath was taken away by the beauty of the Bay Area, the mountains, water and cityscape. Walking off the plane, the architecture and art and diversity in the airport made us realize what we've longed for and been missing in TX. And this is all before we stepped outside and breathed the air! I tell you, I really feel like I was on drugs, having a high all day. Our first stop was by Stanford, in Palo Alto, for Los to get some caffeine at Peet's, his fave coffee shop. I stood outside stretching, and trying hard not to have my jaw drop as I stared (trying to be discreet, but probably non-successfully) at everyone in joy. I just loved everybody! I miss cafes where people are outdoors: cyclists, cute families, the random elderly person that you know has a great life story, the quirky woman holding two dogs... Oh man, I would not have stopped ogling if we didn't have an agenda.

Next we drove down to Carmel, which if you have not been there before, PLEASE put it on your life's to-do list. It is impossibly charming here. An unbelievable area. And the drive to get here alone, is phenomenal. You leave the Bay Area, passing all of the "tech" headquarters, and Google, Facebook, Twitter, eBay, whomever... and then drop down into the fertile land that provides our nation's produce. In our short drive, we passed by fields of artichokes, strawberries, and orchards of various kinds. We passed by acres and acres of vineyards and numerous wineries with tasting rooms. Then we went through the Redwoods, which separate the coast from the fertile valleys; they are sky-scraping tall and marvelous in their own right.
In less than 2 hours from the airport, we were down in beautiful Monterey country, where we luckily get to spend the next week. The night before our flight I laughed inside when our restaurant hostess asked if we enjoyed our meals. I said, "it was okay." And it was, it was fine, it got the job done. But to ENJOY my meal takes way more than Applebee's. Yesterday we ENJOYED what we ate.

We parked on one of Carmel's idyllic European-village feeling streets, and met my parents at Casanova's, one of my new favorite restaurants. I had a goat cheese sandwich that was so good, describing it would almost be an injustice to the art it was, like trying to describe the most moving song you've ever heard... Okay, I'm exaggerating, maybe just a little:) But it was better than anything I've eaten in TX in 5 months, that' s for sure. And Los had what my dad called the best crab salad he's ever tasted in his life (and he's old, he knows what he's talking about! j/k dad!)

After lunch, we went on a long walk on Carmel beach, which is such a fun place if you have or like dogs. Dogs of all shapes and sizes are allowed to be off-leash, and they run and play in the water- it's comical to watch. My parent's Golden, Jake, had a ball there. I am not complaining about the Gulf, I would rather be by water than not, and it's warm, which is novel; but man was it good to see the Pacific again! Later in the afternoon, we showed Los 17-Mile Drive, another "must" in the local area. Pebble Beach is ridiculous, ostentatious, but gorgeous nonetheless. We took some photos on the 4th green (I don't think we were trespassing, other people were there walking) of what I think may be the most expensive golf course in America. I heard it's $500/person/round. I can't even imagine that. That's more than my flight from TX and rental car cost! We heard the bagpiper in his kilt, serenading the sunset, then went to see my friends, the seals, who hang out all year, living the good life in PB, laying on the beach and frolicking in the water. Way fewer were here in March than when I last came, in July, but it was fun to watch them. I love the marine life in this area.

Our perfect day was capped by a birthday dinner for me at one of Clint Eastwood's places, Mission Ranch. The hotel and restaurant are in a beautiful area, and the piano bar full of competing "cougars" kept us entertained while we waited for our delectable meals. Cindy and I had local Sea Bass with a fresh mango chutney and spinach. Los had hand-rolled pasta and prawns in a garlic wine sauce. And my dad had their prime rib, all amazing. Again, food I ENJOYED eating. Then to my surprise, led by the pianist/singer, all 50+ people in the restaurant sang Happy Birthday to me, as I was given some to-die-for chocolate mousse pie. The four of us shared it before retiring for the eve with smiles on our faces and warmth in our hearts/bellies. I never saw Clint that night, but that's okay. Maybe next birthday?

Today promises to be another glorious day, we are going to explore Point Lobos state park, and do some window-shopping in Carmel's cute boutiques before saying goodbye to my parents. Tomorrow is my actual 30th bday (though we are stretching out the celebrations all month!) and Los begins grad school bright and early. Who knows how I will spend all week exploring, but you are sure to hear about it. First order of business, however, is going back to sleep. It is early and dark and I need the rest, I just couldn't sleep one more minute until I professed my undying love for California, which, while not my current home, remains the home in my heart. I want to soak it in so much that to sleep seems like it would rob me of that ability, yet back to bed I go.

Baby Claire's Bedding and Nursery and Diaper Dilemma

Given that we leave for Cali on Friday and then head to Seattle until March 31st, we won't really be in TX again until I am 31 weeks preggo. In my zeal, this past month I thought maybe I could learn to sew and design all of Claire's nursery to be 100% unique. Nothing but the best for our first born! But let's be realistic... THAT'S NOT going to happen. I would like to learn how to sew at some point, for sure, but maybe NOT right before giving birth... So I had to say goodbye to the warm pink/salmon and green and cream paisley that I fell in love with at JoAnn's fabrics. Another time. Luckily, we found online from my friend Heidi, this great alternative paisley print. I don't want the Pepto Bismol Pink walls or matchy matchy anything in her room, but I at least like this bedding. Los painted a little dresser green for Claire, to put next to a glider, and now we're trying to figure out what kind of crib we want. So hopefully in April her nursery will come together. Just in case she comes early in May:) Diaper options are currently what stress us out most, but other than that things are looking like they'll fall into place nicely before she comes. Would love to hear all your wise counsel on diapers, the more specific the better. Fun fun!

On Marriage: Here I am, Send me! Or not. Maybe later...

Some times I wonder what was the deal with Isaiah 6, this great "sending" text we use in the Church. When Isaiah said, "God, here am I, send me!" was that the position of his heart no matter what? Once Isaiah heard what his mission in life was going to be, was he still on board? Or did he want to rescind his offer to be sent by God into a hurting world?
Some times I wonder about the same thing in my own life. Certain days I am like, "Yes God, USE ME!!" and yet there are times when I find out specifically how God might use me, I say, "nah, I changed my mind; get back to me with another, more lucrative offer..." Or even worse, "God, I meant can you use me on my own terms?" Anyway, gotta love our human frailty and self-focus:) Maybe this is why Isaiah made it into the Bible and I didn't:)

I have noticed recently that a lot of marriages aren't as healthy as they could be. Maybe this has always been the case, and I just have ears to hear about it now? I mean, there's the obvious and tragic statistics nationally, that so many marriages end, for one reason or another. But that seems nebulous, whereas the people I know who's hearts ache for something better, deeper, etc. seem to be increasing. Lots of wives have been sharing that they don't feel heard, safe or supported by their husbands. I'm sure if I was a dude, guys would be echoing that same sentiment to me. A lot of people seem unsatisfied with their marriages. Marriages aren't as urgent to maintain, like getting the bills paid, and the kids to school on time, so some people take them for granted and don't work on them. Military (or other job-required) separations exacerbate the problem as well. I am as guilty of this as the next person.

The past 6 weeks, we joined some neighbors in a marriage enrichment group that met short-term on Sunday nights. The sessions were heated and draining at times, as people shared their pain, anger and tears. Other than ourselves and the leaders, who've been married over 40 years, no one seemed to have very good habits in place for working through conflicts. For example, it was alarming to hear a guy say that he always "fights to win" and didn't seem to mind that that makes his wife of 18 years constantly withdraw. Or a wife of over a decade, say to her husband that she feels like she knows facts about him, but doesn't really feel like she KNOWS him. Pain. My heart grieved for these couples and so many others that have recently confided in us about their struggles.

So I asked the leaders where to refer couples that live locally and could really use some tools like those this group equip you with. I was hoping for a book, or an email address to recommend to people. To our surprise, the leaders then said they think Los and I should lead a group like this for 7 or 8 couples. Immediately, other couples affirmed that, and one even said they'd love to join our group. I was taken aback, mouth open, as I had not been interested in leading a group at all. I just wanted a quick fix to offer people, not the chance to really enter into their suffering and model/guide them toward health. Hence my questions about Isaiah, I've been praying, "Lord, do something for all these hurting marriages!" Not expecting or desiring at all that we might be part of the solution we're praying for...

So that brings us to today, as we're now considering leading one of these groups. I have no idea what it would look like, and if the 3rd trimester of pregnancy is the right timing for it, but it seems to be something growing in our hearts, marriage ministry. We are blessed to be a blessing, and if we could facilitate a space for other people's growth and freedom, that would be very cool, albeit a surprising new venture for us. Who knows where it could lead? So I'd love to hear from you married people out there!! What are the tools in your marriage that have made it work well for you?! What nuggets of wisdom do you have to pass on to others? How do you address areas in which you struggle? Any and everything you have to offer us would be awesome, either on this blog or in a private email. Thanks a lot friends, may we all grow in grace as we grow in age.

poem and prayer

it is a new day.
it is a brand new day.
life has changed.
life will never be the way it was.
for you do not delight in my sacrifices that produce
perfection,
power,
wealth,
popularity,
safety,
legalism.
woe to these bandaids.
in this lenten season,
and once, for all,
know
i am forgiven
and being made whole.

-los

Poop, Placentas and Pulled Pork, awesomeness...

If being the parent of a dog is anything like being the parent of a little person, I might need to rethink this whole parenting gig we have coming up the next two decades, because apparently we aren't ready to handle it. I hate bodily fluids. Last night, at our friends' house, we were more engrossed with watching LOST (I hate Ben!!!) and conversation, than paying attention to what Burly was doing. After wearing out their two big dogs, our little porker snuck over and gobbled down who knows how much of their dogs' food. At one or two points I said, "hey, I think Burly's eating?" But neither of us did anything about it... He was a little maniac on the walk home (Gabe and Meredith live at the end of our street) and we thought Burly would be fine all night, since he pooped and peed on the walk. Not so. When Los woke up this morning, Burly had pooped in our bathroom. We scolded him, and he looked repentant, so we thought it was over. I laid in bed feeling guilty that we had punished him when really it was our fault that we hadn't taken away the opportunity for him to eat last night. We talked about it, and I went back to bed. Not before joking, though, that if he ever pooped in our closet, I would sell him to the gypsies.

Two hours later, Burly gave me my chance. When I woke up again, he had decided that pooping on our Italian tile and white bath mat just wasn't enough. So he pooped on Los' side of the closet carpet as well. What a guy! I was furious. 3 times in one night! AFTER going outside twice?! Who does that? Not our angelic practically-perfect-in-every-way dog. I contemplated feeding him to the local coyotes or my previous threat of selling him to the gypsies for at least 5 minutes before deciding to forgive him and making up. When I took him outside this morning he promptly went again, so I guess he'd been showing restraint inside?? I don't know how such a little dog can poop so many times in 12 hours, but... what can I say, he's a pro.

On a completely other note, yesterday our birth coach came over and showed us two videos of natural childbirths. WAY graphic compared to any romantic notion we'd previously held. What ever happened to the stork- I just want a clean bundle of joy delivered to me?! Looking at cute baby girl clothes and picking out nursery furniture is stuff I can do. Stuff I like doing. But watching women sans medicine in painful labor for hours- rough. I don't know if I have what it takes for that! As much as we would prefer to go without meds, we felt queasy watching the pain that these strange women (whom we now have seen every (awkward!) body part of) were in as they went through labor. We both teared up watching the actual birth, that was just amazing. But lest we get too sentimental, then came the most disgusting thing ever, the "birth of the placenta." Cue gagging sounds, that was nasty... And our birth coach said, "yeah, in some cultures people EAT the placenta or at least bury it." We looked at each other in horror and silently agreed that when that day comes, the doctor can just go ahead and pitch ours in the trash asap! No thanks.

Which brings me to this morning and pulled pork. With my recent acquisition of a Southern Living magazine subscription, I have become more and more of a southern chef by the month. Today I was man-handling 7 lbs. of pork to put in the slow cooker when gross pig blood got all over my white (of course) tank top. This finalized my whole-hearted disgust in blood and every other bodily fluid. I have had enough of them for one 24 hour period, thank you very much. Just for the record, I hereby renounce any further career ambitions to be a surgeon or butcher:) I am preaching the first sermon of Lent this Sunday, and last Sunday I preached on Hebrews 7 and how Christ is the once for all priest and sacrifice. I have never been more grateful to live in a time period without animal sacrifice and the blood, guts and smell therein than in the past 24 hours:) Yet one more reason to be thankful for the Cross. On that note, happy Lent everyone.

LIFE- tragic, abundant, wrenching, beautiful.

Life is so fickle. This past week in my mailbox, I received on the same day both a wedding announcement/save the date card, and a merchandise credit to Williams-Sonoma. One couple of friends got married in Switzerland, and are coming stateside to have a celebration in Santa Barbara this summer. I couldn't be happier for them. Another couple dissolved their new marriage and returned all of our gifts in the mail. I couldn't be sadder for them. The irony of that juxtaposition in my mailbox struck a chord with me. I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3. Its scope is beyond me.

When we first moved to TX, we decided not to go to the west coast for the holidays. We wanted to save money, which was a good thing, since in March we'll be going to both California and Seattle for a week each. Some old friends in Houston invited us to spend Thanksgiving with them and we were very excited to do so. We had the most lovely day, and shared it with one of the coolest families I have ever met. Their name is the Alford's and their huge southern mansion in Houston's artsy district could not have been more beautiful. It's beauty was far eclipsed, however, by the love in that 5 person family. They had been through a hard year, as the father, Gene, had been paralyzed from the waist down in an accident on their farm (a tree pinned him down on his tractor). Gene is a prominent surgeon, and navigating the life changes after that tragedy was, and continues to be, challenging. But the love and support and joy we experienced in their family in November was palpable, the tragedy just made them stronger as a family.

I am sad to say that this past week, tragedy struck them again. I have no idea why tragedy strikes, but our hearts are groaning with and burdened for the Alford's and we would love if you would pray for them. The youngest son Charles had just turned 16, and was so excited to be given a car from his grandparents. He was driving back from west TX, when he was struck and killed in an accident. His mom was in the car with him and also injured. She is now temporarily joining her husband in a wheelchair. Her grief and strength are unimaginable to me. You can see Charles' sweet face and read his obituary here. Please pray for Gene, Mary, John and Bess and their extended family. Charles had a keychain with the verse Is. 41:10, a verse other friends of mine have chosen to uphold in the face of death as well, as it says a promise from God, "Fear not, for I am with you." May we all cling to that truth amidst the tumult of life here on earth.

Life is short, tragic, beautiful, fulfilling and wrenching, if we fully live. I suppose we could numb ourselves throughout it, a la Zach Braff in Garden State, one of our most favorite movies, but I would rather feel deeply, all of the heights and all of the depths combined. I don't know what strange and hard things you may be getting in your mailbox, facing in your family or facing in this questionable economy, but I am going to join the chorus of those trusting that amidst it all we need not fear, for God is with us.

FOOD

This morning, I stumbled upon this disgusting website, if you never want to be hungry again, check this out. My arteries clogged just looking at it.

Sometimes I am really motivated about food. As we've learned more how to bolster our "leafy green" intake and get all our nutrients from whole foods, rather than pills, eat organically, locally and in season, etc. we've picked up some good tips and habits. Reading Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle was eye-opening to say the least, and as I gave it to my mom this weekend, we had lots of motivational conversations about food.

But other times I am discouraged about food, because along with all our newfound knowledge comes conviction when I am slacking on being a good steward of my own body, let alone the earth! It feels hypocritical to know the right thing to do (or eat, as it were) and then not do it. Very Romans 7-esque, if you know what I mean? Being the classy people that we are, after our great conversations about food and health, on Valentine's Day, we promptly ate at a) Costco and b) Taco Bell. Cast your stones now, people, I am ready. I wish I could just blame it on my pregnancy cravings and say that after June, we will be perfect eaters... But that's probably not true. Sigh. I'm trying to see eating as a continuum and if concession stand junk food were all the way on one side, and organic vegans were on the other (I don't know?) I would like to make peace with being somewhere in the middle, moving in a healthier direction. It'd be easier to be all about "moderation" and be less OCD. Alas, so far I just feel like a hypocrite:)

I know I'm not alone in this. Thoughts? Struggles? How do you interact with food and not let it become too prominent a focus? Tell me.