GRATITUDE: the Anti-Anxiety

When you’re having anxiety attacks the first week of the year, that is not a good sign. This feeling of panic has become a weekly feature in my life, kind of like taking the garbage cans out on Thursdays, just another thing I’m growing accustomed to. I don’t like this about myself.

I’ll be honest, 2008 has been a little rough on me, so far. It came out of nowhere. I mean, 2007 was full of growth and memories and joy and then BAM, all of a sudden it’s 2008, and I’m having anxiety attacks every time I look at a calendar, day-planner, or think of all that is going to transpire this year (graduating, trying to get pregnant, moving who knows where). 2008 always seemed like a year far off in the distance, I knew it was coming, but apparently I wasn’t emotionally ready!

Theologically, I know that God is in control of my life and will aid me through every situation I face; he is with me, doesn’t forsake me, and equips me with everything I need. So I’ve been trying to figure out how to be relaxed and productive, honoring the many tasks at hand. My friend Jordyn was commenting on how she doesn’t understand how you surrender things to God and feel peace, because it’s those anxious times (when things have piled up and she feels the weight on her shoulders) that she is most productive.

She made me think, and I realized that she’s on to something, because WE are God’s agents in this world, we are his hands and feet, and we can’t just pray for God to figure out our lives and then just wait around lazily. Sure, ask for miracles, but pursue what you want too. I mean, the Christian jargon of, “I’m just waiting for a door to open,” is kind of obnoxious sometimes. I mean, I get it, but who was I listening to, Donald Miller, that said sometimes you need to kick closed doors in if that’s where you’re passionate about being…

So how can I go through this year, which will undoubtedly be busier than any other year of my 29 years of existence, as well as full of unknown pieces, and feel at rest? I’m not sure, but I think the answer is gratitude. When I left the library last Tuesday and felt that ball of anxiety in my stomach consuming my internal organs, I just looked at the sky and said,

“God, thank you that there’s a blue sky in January. Thank you that I can breathe, that I have legs to walk uphill with right now. Thanks for our new Prius, which I love, and thanks that I get to meet with fantastic college girls every week. Thanks that we have more friends than our schedule has time for. Thanks that we’re pursuing our dreams and living with passion, even if that includes scary ambiguity. Thanks that I have the best partner I could imagine for my journey through life, and that you are teaching me about my life’s calling in ministry. Thanks that you are the giver of good gifts to my life; they are abundant, even when I forget about them, and I am grateful!”

As I drove to Hebrew, reflecting on all of these things I am grateful for, the anxiety started to ebb, and I started to feel his peace. I wish I could say it lasted the rest of the week, or even all day long, but that’s not true. But it was there, and it was awesome... So I’m going to try to develop this regular practice of gratitude in this crazy season, to proclaim all the ways God has been faithful and a deliverer, hopefully increasing my trust that once again, as always, he will come through for his child. Because I know he will. I have tasted, I have seen, and I know that the Lord is good.